A Search for True Love!
by Lolsnake9
Summary: One morning, chaos broke out throughout Wei! Cai Wenji got pregnant and the Wei officers accused one another as the father. However, the next day she got kidnapped, and the kidnapper left a letter to Cao Cao, Jia Xu, Guo Jia, Zhang Liao, Zhang He, Yu Jin, Yue Jin, Xun Yu and Xu Shu, saying that one of them is the father and her true love who can save her. Will they succeed?
1. Pregnant?

**A Search for True Love!**

* * *

 _One morning, chaos broke out throughout the Wei kingdom! Suddenly, the pure and compassionate harpist girl Cai Wenji got pregnant and a quarrel broke out among the Wei men accusing one another as the father. However, the next day she got kidnapped, and the kidnapper left a letter to Cao Cao, Jia Xu, Guo Jia, Zhang Liao, Zhang He, Yu Jin, Yue Jin, Xun Yu and Xu Shu, saying that only one of them is Cai Wenji's true love and the father of the child, and is the only one who can save her. The 9 set out on an epic journey across China to save Cai Wenji. Will one of them succeed in saving her?_

* * *

 _Chapter 1: Pregnant?!_

 _At the Wei palace garden_

Zhenji and Wang Yi: OH MY GOD, YOU SERIOUS?!

Cai Wenji: Um, yeah….

Zhenji: Whoa….no way! THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY THAT COULD HAPPEN!

Wang Yi: You said that you're pregnant?!

Cai Wenji: Uh…yeah! I did!

Zhenji: But that's impossible! You're not married yet!

Cai Wenji: I know, right!

Wang Yi: Now that's weird! And I thought you never slept with any of the guys here!

Zhenji: Who's the father, then?

Cai Wenji: **thinking** Umm…..eh….I….don't know, hehe.

Zhenji: What?! What do you mean you don't know?!

Cai Wenji: Ehh…that's because I don't really know. I never slept with any of the dudes here, so I don't know how I suddenly got pregnant, either.

Wang Yi: Gee, that's so weird! I wonder how Lord Cao Cao will react to this…

Li Dian: **passes by** Hm?

Zhenji: Hm, wait, Wang Yi! About what you said….maybe HE is the father?!

Cai Wenji: Ehh?!

Wang Yi: What? Haha, no! Of course not! That would be creepy as hell! Hahaha…no, no! That's impossible!

Zhenji: Well, it could be! I mean, he would hit on ANYTHING that has an X chromosome. He even tried to hit on ME once!

Wang Yi: Eww! That's gross! But no, he's obviously not the father. He won't go THAT far.

Zhenji: Well, either way, we congratulate you on your pregnancy, okay! Regardless of who the father is…

Wang Yi: Yeah, yeah. Come on girl, you don't need no man for stuffs like this.

Cai Wenji: Um, yeah, yeah, thank you so much!

Li Dian: **widens eyes** S-s-she's….pregnant?

Zhenji, Cai Wenji, and Wang Yi: **turns to Li Dian** Hm?

Li Dian: Glk!

Cai Wenji: Oh, hi Li Dian! How are you?

Li Dian: Eh, urm…FINE! Fine, yeah…fine! Thank you for asking!

Zhenji: Hmm…speaking of which, what are you doing here?

Wang Yi: Trying to overhear our conversation?!

Li Dian: WHAT?! Eh, NO! Haha…of course not! I was just simply passing by when you three were having your…eh, you know…girl talk! Hehehe….well, see you later! **speeds towards the Wei palace**

* * *

 _Inside the Wei palace_

Li Dian: **opens the door** HEY, YOU GUYS! IMPORTANT NEWS!

Everyone: **ignores Li Dian and went on with their activities**

Xiahou Dun, Cao Cao, and Cao Pi: **talks while drinking tea**

Dian Wei and Xu Zhu: **eats meatbuns**

Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He: **dance training**

Zhang Liao and Xu Huang: **spars**

Cao Ren and Pang De: **also spars (with Cao Ren on the defensive and Pang De on the offensive)**

Jia Xu, Guo Jia, and Xu Shu: **reads a porn scroll with Xu Shu being innocent on the whole thing**

Yue Jin: **walks from person to person on hyper speed to annoy them**

Yu Jin: **sulks in the corner, like usual**

Xun Yu: **sleeps**

Li Dian: **scratches head** Tch, everybody's ignoring me…. **puts his hands on front of his mouth** CAI WENJI'S PREGNANT!

Xiahou Dun: **chokes on hot tea** GRRGAAAHHH! HOT! HOT!

Cao Cao and Cao Pi: **spits out tea right on Xiahou Dun's face**

Xiahou Dun: AAAAAHHHHRRRGGHH! HOT! HOT! HOT!

Cao Cao: Hm? AHHH! DUN, DUNNY, I'M SORRYYY!

Dian Wei and Xu Zhu: **chokes on meatbuns**

Zhang He: **stops while doing a twirl midair, then falls down** AAAHHH!

Xiahou Yuan: Ohh! So THAT'S how you do it, then!

Zhang He: Not…like…that….

Zhang Liao and Xu Huang: **stabs each other**

Pang De: **smacks Cao Ren's head and flattens it completely** …..oops.

Jia Xu: **rips the scroll apart**

Guo Jia: AAAHHH! THAT'S MY MOST PRECIOUS TREASUUURRREEEEE!

Yue Jin: **stops** WHAT?!

Yu Jin: **continues sulking in the corner**

Xun Yu: **wakes up** WHOA WHOA WHOA, wait, WHAT?! Cai Wenji became a lieutenant?!

Li Dian: Tch, I said…Cai Wenji is PREGNANT!

Everyone: SAY WHAAAATTTT?!

 _"What the hell?! Come on, he can't be serious!"_

 _"Yeah…there's NO way Cai Wenji could be pregnant!"_

 _"Maybe Li Dian tried to fool us!"_

 _"Today ain't April Fools, right? Hmph…"_

Li Dian: Tch….

Cao Cao: Sigh…Li Dian, where did you hear this from?

Li Dian: Well….I was passing by the conversation between Cai Wenji, Zhenji, and Wang Yi when they talked about Cai Wenji being pregnant.

Cao Cao: Hmm….

* * *

 _Cut into everyone in the Wei meeting room_

Cao Cao: Sigh….so, gentlemen, I suppose you all know why we're all here.

Xu Zhu: Hm? Are the crops not as productive as before again?

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Xiahou Dun: Except for him.

Cao Cao: Uhh…okay, I suppose I shall give the briefing. So, Cai Wenji, the girl who just came here a year ago, became pregnant.

Everyone: Hmhm….

Cao Cao: …and, we all know that she has really only been here for a year, and even then she never came out because she preferred to stay home playing music and composing poems. So, it's pretty clear that when she became pregnant, the father is pretty much limited to one of us.

Everyone: Uhh…

Cao Cao: SO! **slams the table** I'll only ask this once and let's be honest, gentlemen….WHICH ONE OF YOU SLEPT WITH CAI WENJI?!

Everyone: Yikes!

Cao Cao: ANSWER! If not, I'll shove an icicle up in each of your asses!

Everyone: **immediately points towards Guo Jia**

Guo Jia: WHAT THE FUCK!

Cao Cao: A-ha! Right…you just seem to be the most likely candidate here!

Guo Jia: What?! No, no! Dude, hear me out! I didn't sleep with her! No! That's not going to happen!

Cao Cao: Really?! Well, I would've been more convinced were it not for the fact that you would pretty much try to bang any girls you come across! Just admit it!

Guo Jia: Okay, look, look, I know that my perverted attitude is suspicious, but you have to have a good evidence for this!

Cao Cao: Oh, you wanna some proof! Well, I saw it! I saw you trying to hit on her when she first got here! That look in your face was unmistakable!

Guo Jia: But you also know that she rejected me afterwards!

Cao Cao: Oh…right. Then, who is it?!

Guo Jia: Look, I know one person who could've done this! It was undoubtedly Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: Motherfucker! You can't just point at me like that!

Guo Jia: And yet you did so towards me!

Jia Xu: But, hell no! I wouldn't have done such thing! No, it's obviously Xun Yu!

Xun Yu: To hell with that! No, no, it was Xu Shu, I knew it!

Xu Shu: What?! NO! I don't even understand anything about sex! If there's anyone who would take any interest in Cai Wenji, it is obviously Zhang He!

Zhang He: Ah! To ruin such innocent beauty is so unbeautiful! No! I would never dare to do such thing! Cao Ren was the one who did it!

Cao Ren: What the?! Hell no sir! Zhang Liao did it!

Zhang Liao: Fuck you! No, no, it was Xu Huang, I could assure you!

Xu Huang: What! To do that act was truly dishonorable and isn't the path a true warrior should take! If anything, I bet Xu Zhu did it!

Xu Zhu: Huh?! What do you mean?!

Xu Huang: Don't lie! I saw it. I saw her baking a cake for you! And you loved it!

Xu Zhu: But that's only about it! I only loved her for her tasty cake! I didn't do anything to her afterwards! Infact, I'm pretty sure Yue Jin did it!

Yue Jin: The fuck?! Absolutely not! Hey, who knows if Li Dian himself actually did it!

Li Dian: Why in the hell are you accusing me now?! No, no, no, that's absolutely not true! Seriously, I'm 100% sure that Yu Jin did it!

Yu Jin: You dare to say something like that to ME?! I would make sure you will get the worst of punishments when all of this is over!

Everyone: **continues arguing**

Cao Cao: Grrrmmstghjlk….

Xiahou Dun: …C-cousin?

Cao Cao: Grrrr…..OKAY! THAT'S IT! **freezes the table**

Everyone: GASP!

Cao Cao: Pant…pant…

Xiahou Dun: C-c-cousin?!

Cao Cao: Pant…pant…alright. Zhang Liao, Zhang He, Jia Xu, Guo Jia, Xu Shu, Yue Jin, Yu Jin, and Xun Yu. Come with me. NOW.

The mentioned names: Hm? Where?

Cao Cao: JUST FOLLOW ME.

The mentioned names: Yikes! Okay, okay.

* * *

 _At a different meeting room_

Cao Cao: Huff….alright. You. All eight of you are the ones whom I feel are the men closest to Cai Wenji. So obviously, one of you is the father. And I want you to admit your deed like a man!

Everyone: ….

Cao Cao: Hmm…I see. So none of you are willing. Now I realize that I really only have a bunch of sissies as my men. Well then! If that's the case, I shall be the one to MAKE you admit.

Everyone: Gulp…

Cao Cao: So, let's see…Guo Jia!

Guo Jia: WHOA! Hey dude, I told you I didn't do it!

Cao Cao: Oh really? Just like how you won't admit that you hit on Xingcai the other day, huh?!

Guo Jia: Eh, erm…

Cao Cao: Remember. That's my grand-niece you hit on. Now, just admit this and I'll make it painless, got it?!

Guo Jia: Look, look, you just can't accuse me like that! The last time I met her was when I was wasted and when I fell on the street, she came in to help me and offered me to take care of me at her home!

Cao Cao: A-HA! And then the two of you slept together, right?!

Guo Jia: What?! NO! We slept on different couches, hell, different ROOMS. You think after being kidnapped by the Xiongnu she would still be stupid enough to let any dudes sleep in the same room at her?!

Cao Cao: And then what?

Guo Jia: And then, after I fully regained my consciousness, I went home! Sure, I gave her a thank-you kiss, but that's only it!

Cao Cao: Hmm…alright, I shall believe your words, at least at the moment. Then who could it be?

Guo Jia: Well, I told you, it was obviously Jia Xu!

Jia Xu: The fuck?! Dude, you can't just accuse me like that!

Guo Jia: Yes I can! Just admit it! You two have been together since your days serving Dong Zhuo!

Jia Xu: Dude, cut me some slack, we're 3 decades apart, okay! I'm no Liu Bei! No, no, it's Xu Shu! I just can feel it!

Xu Shu: What?! No! Absolutely not! I don't even know what boobs look like! Hell! NO! She's kind towards me, yes, but that's only it! Infact, I coulda sworn I saw Xun Yu doing something with her one day!

Xun Yu: And just what the hell are you implying by that?! I was only asking her about her condition! That's all! You should look at Zhang Liao instead!

Zhang Liao: Whoa, whoa, hold on there! I never, EVER did something like that with her! No! If anything, Zhang He is the type of guy who would creepily ask someone like Cai Wenji out! He is more suspicious!

Zhang He: What?! No! We are close because we both admire fine art and beauty! That's all that's between us! Nothing more! Yue Jin did it! I know it!

Yue Jin: You tell me! I can be sure 100% that I have NEVER done anything 'too private' with her! No! That's definitely not going to happen! Just look at Yu Jin! What can you trust from a face like that?!

Yu Jin: You said something like that AGAIN?! …then I promise that your punishment shall be TWICE as worse!

Everyone: **continues arguing and wrangling**

Cao Cao: Grrr….OKAY, THAT'S IT!

Everyone: Huh?!

Cao Cao: Sigh….so it's basically the same. NONE of you are willing to admit. If this keeps on we're not going anywhere.

Everyone: **slowly begins to stare at Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: **begins to feel uncomfortable** …w…what?

Guo Jia: ….hey guys, I think we're kinda missing one candidate here, eh?

Jia Xu: You bet it.

Xu Shu: We're kinda baffled we didn't notice this sooner…

Xun Yu: But it's the most obvious answer….

Everyone: **points at Cao Cao** YOU'RE THE FATHER!

Cao Cao: W-WHAAATT?!

Guo Jia: Yes…it's clear to us now, Lord Cao Cao!

Jia Xu: You did this to us only because you don't want your secret to be leaked out!

Xu Shu: Well, too bad!

Xun Yu: I mean, doesn't it feel suspicious that you suddenly chose to ransom a random girl kidnapped by a foreign tribe?

Zhang Liao: We feel there might be some…interesting pretext there…

Zhang He: And then we see it clearly about how Cai Wenji admire you, given that both of you love poetry…

Yue Jin: …so there's no denying it now! Just admit it! You're the father!

Yu Jin: I truly can't believe how could have you done such thing…you think that the Xiongnu wasn't enough pain for her?

Cao Cao: G-gah! Come on, hear my reasons first! Ahem, well, I chose to ransom her from the Xiongnu because she was the daughter of my old friend, and I can't bear to see her living a miserable life there! There's absolutely NOTHING between us, okay?! We love poetry, yes, and we love talking about it, but that's really only about it!

Guo Jia: Oh really? Hmm…then this is becoming quite hard, I see.

Jia Xu: Yeah. I mean…there's 9 possible candidates for the father of Cai Wenji's child and none of us admitted it…

Xu Shu: You think we should use a lie detector?

Xun Yu: Eh, not even THAT is viable from what I saw…

Zhang Liao: Or maybe the father is actually from the other, unexpected guys we have around here?

Zhang He: Could be. But still, like what Lord Cao Cao said, we really are the only guys with any real interaction with Cai Wenji here…

Yue Jin: Yeah, but who knows? Hell, it really could be some other guy outside from this kingdom.

Yu Jin: But who the hell could've done that? It's impossible.

Cao Cao: Whew…never thought it will be this hard…

 _Suddenly, someone knocks at the door._

Cao Cao: Hm? Who's that? Okay, I'm coming… **opens door** …glkh?!

Cai Wenji: Morning, Lord Cao Cao.

Everyone: GULP!

Cai Wenji: Oh, you were having a meeting? Sorry if I interrupted you.

Cao Cao: Eh, uhm, oh no! No! Hahaha…why would your presence be interrupting? Absolutely not! Hehehe…

Everyone: Hehe…hehehe…

Cai Wenji: Oh, I see.

Cao Cao: Say, what do you want?

Cai Wenji: Well…I just want to tell you something…

Cao Cao: What is it?

Cai Wenji: Well…I…uhm….I'm pregnant.

Everyone: GLK!

Cai Wenji: Hm? Is something the matter?

Cao Cao: Eh?! Uhrm, no, no! Absolutely not! Well, I mean, WHAT?!

Cai Wenji: Ah!

Cao Cao: P-p-p-pregnant?! What do you mean?!

Cai Wenji: I…don't know myself…

Cao Cao: What do you mean you don't know?!

Cai Wenji: Well…that's because I don't understand how I got pregnant, either…

Cao Cao: Oh? ….why?

Cai Wenji: Well…as far I remember, I never slept with any of the males here, so I don't really understand how I suddenly got pregnant this morning. I told Zhenji and Wang Yi about it, and they were similarly perplexed, too. Then they advised me to tell Lord Cao Cao about this.

Cao Cao: Ah…I see…

Cai Wenji: I'm sorry if this troubled you. I know I really shouldn't tell you this…

Cao Cao: Eh?! No, no, it's alright! Haha…well, regardless of who the father is, it's still your child. I hope you will be a good mother for him, or her. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Cai Wenji: Hm, thank you so much, Lord Cao Cao. Well, see you around.

Cao Cao: Yeah, yeah…. **turns around** …okay, you know what guys, NOW it's gotten even more complicated.

Guo Jia: Why is that?

Cao Cao: Because, the thing is, even SHE doesn't even know who the father is!

Jia Xu: The hell?! How is that possible?!

Xu Shu: She doesn't even know who impregnated her? Did she use sperm donor, or?

Xun Yu: Eh no, as far as I know only Jin has that kind of technology.

Cao Cao: I know. It's definitely weird. Huff…

Zhang Liao: Now what are we gonna do?

Cao Cao: Hmph…well, I think we simply have to wait for the best. She's been through some shit, as you all know. Maybe to have a baby from an unknown person will make her happier? We may never know.

Everyone: Sigh…

 _Tomorrow morning…_

 _Everything seems to be going normal. However, that seems to be not quite the case with Cao Cao, Zhang Liao, Zhang He, Jia Xu, Guo Jia, Xu Shu, Yue Jin, Yu Jin, and Xun Yu. When all nine of them woke up, they found a piece of letter besides them, one letter that will surely change this particular day for them…_

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Yeah…so, I basically got the idea to write this fic due to the amount of Wei (or outside of Wei, in case of Xu Shu) guys Cai Wenji's shipped with within the fandom, so I thought this would be quite an interesting idea, hehe.

Note: Zhang He is my OTP with Cai Wenji, I know at least two fics who ship Yue Jin with her, and Xun Yu because I want her to be shipped with all four Wei strategists (and yes, I'm counting Xu Shu as a part of Wei here, and since Sima Yi's already got Zhang Chunhua I'm not adding him in). So, who do you think is the father? :p

Needless to say, please leave a review and have a good day!


	2. Beginning of a Journey

_Chapter 2: Beginning of a Journey_

* * *

The nine candidates: waking up and finds the letter …hm? What's this? **opens the letter**

Cao Cao: Dear Gentleman of Wei,

Guo Jia: You all seemed to be so confused by the sudden pregnancy of the woman named Cai Wenji…

Jia Xu: …and the fact that she, and all of you don't know who the father is.

Xu Shu: Well, let me make this clear for you, and the 8 others who got this letter…

Xun Yu: …one of you are the father, and her true love. Only one of you who can save her…

Zhang Liao: …by going through the various challenges I put out just for the nine of you.

Zhang He: The one who managed to go through all challenges is her true love.

Yue Jin: I'm currently holding her at Chibi. However if you fail in saving her within 72 hours….

Yu Jin: …she'll die by the explosives I have set around her.

All nine: I'll explain the details once you're set on your journey. Good luck. **widens eyes**

"CAI WENJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

* * *

 _Immediately, the nine ran to her room, and predictably, it was empty._

Everyone: NO!

Cao Cao: Huh, you guys too?!

Guo Jia: Wait, why are you all here?

Jia Xu: Because of the letter!

Xu Shu: Oh, you got the letter too?

Xun Yu: Yeah!

Zhang Liao: Seems like everyone got that letter, huh…

Zhang He: Really, who could've done such horrible thing?!

Yue Jin: Maybe it's those goddamn Xiongnus again!

Yu Jin: This can't be! Huff…

Cao Cao: Now, stay calm, everybody. We need to think with a cool head, okay?

Guo Jia: But this is bad! She's kidnapped again after only a year or so here!

Cao Cao: I know! Which is why we have to prioritize finding her at all cost. So, miscalculations could be potentially dangerous! We need to stay calm and think about this thoroughly!

Jia Xu: Hm? Hey, here's a letter on her bed.

Cao Cao: Really? **takes and opens the letter** Hmm…'Hahaha, I knew that you nine would immediately run to her room to check on her despite my letter outright saying that I had already taken her hostage.' Well, shit!

Guo Jia: It's alright, just continue reading.

Cao Cao: Okay, okay. 'Okay, now I shall explain the rules. On your way, you shall find multiple signs telling you where to go. At the destinations, you have to go through the challenges and obtain an artifact that will help you later in your journey. REMEMBER: If you do not obey the signs, you WILL be in the world of pain.'

Jia Xu: Ouch.

Cao Cao: 'Now, onto the prohibitions. One, you're not allowed to bring your weapons. You have to fight your way through using the artifacts you have collected. Two, only the nine of you can go. The rest have to stay. And three, you're not allowed to ask help from ANYONE, and you have to fight your way through on your own. If any of you disobey, the explosives will be set off.'

Xu Shu: Kyah! That's scary!

Cao Cao: 'Well, I think I shouldn't waste any time here. Hey, the clock is ticking, after all. I shall bid you good luck. Farewell.' ….okay, NOW we have to be real serious. Gentlemen, this is a really important mission. We can't screw this up, or she'll get the consequences! You understand?!

Zhang Liao: Ugh…that is definitely an unpleasant sight.

Zhang He: Ah! To see her die in such an unbeautiful way…

Cao Cao: We know. Sigh…listen, we all know this is sudden, we all know this is absurd, but we have to put our top priority here. We have to save Cai Wenji at all cost, regardless of who the kidnapper and what it's motives are.

Yue Jin: Yeah…

Cao Cao: And besides, one of us is the father of her child. We don't know yet who it is, but that being said, there's always a possibility of us being the father, and would you let your child die as well?!

Yu Jin: No! Absolutely not!

Cao Cao: Exactly! Now, listen to me carefully. We are Cai Wenji's last hope. Only we can save her right now. We shall get to her, no matter what the cost! LET'S GO, GENTLEMEN!

Everyone: YOOO!

* * *

 _So, the nine set out on their epic journey to save Cai Wenji. However, on their way through, they were met by Cao Pi, who has just woken up._

Cao Pi: Hm? Oh hey dad, where are you going?

Cao Cao: Hm? Oh, son! Here, I now give you the full responsibility of taking care of this kingdom while I'm gone, got it?

Cao Pi: Hm? Wait wait, what? Where are you going? Why?

Cao Cao: Look, we have an important business here. You shall take control while we're gone. We don't have time to explain, okay? Okay, bye.

Cao Pi: Wait, what the hell? I still don't understand. But wait a minute, FULL control of the kingdom? Hmm….

* * *

 _Outside the Wei palace_

Cao Cao: Huff…so, where should we go to now?

Guo Jia: I think we're supposed to look for signs, right?

Cao Cao: Yeah, the signs. Hmm…I wonder where it could be…

Jia Xu: Hmm…oh gee, I wonder if THAT could be the one? **points at a huge sign which reads 'READ ME! READ ME! READ ME!'**

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Xun Yu: W…where the hell did that come from?!

Zhang Liao: I suppose it just suddenly appeared in a single night?

Yue Jin: With the sign blocking our entire view of Luoyang, I'm surprised we didn't notice this sooner.

Yu Jin: Yeah, well let's just read what's on it!

Cao Cao: Okay, okay. Hmm…'Great. Now that you're finally out of the palace, you're gonna heed my command. After getting out of Luoyang, head immediately towards the Hulao Gate. I'll tell you the details once you get there.'

Yue Jin: Hulao Gate? Hmm…isn't that the place where we fought Dong Zhuo?

Guo Jia: Yeah! And I suppose we still remember the time where we fought against you two, Jia Xu and Zhang Liao.

Jia Xu: Right. And, oh yeah, that phrase…how it goes again?

Zhang Liao: DO NOT PURSUE LU BU!

Xu Shu: Yikes! Gee, I'm so terrified at to having to hear that phrase ever again…

Zhang He: Are we going to have to fight him again?! AH!

Cao Cao: Hey! Huff…well, whatever comes ahead, we have to brave them so that we can save Cai Wenji! We don't have much time! Let's go!

Everyone: YO!

* * *

 _3 hours later_

Everyone: Huff…huff…

Zhang He: Oh my GOD! I feel like I could die from this!

Jia Xu: My goodness, what a sissy.

Guo Jia: But you're panting as well!

Jia Xu: Shut up! You too!

Yu Jin: Could you two just stop bitching at go on already?!

Yue Jin: Well gee, you sure are great Yu Jin, you don't look at least a bit tired.

Yu Jin: Hmph. The lack of discipline makes your body weak.

Cao Cao: Okay, now, let's see here. Hmm…'Congratulations! Now you have finally come to your first challenge. Now, this place is widely known as 'the place of your nightmares' thanks to the man known as Lu Bu. Now, your challenge is to get out of this place safely. Good luck.' Hmm, that's all?

Xun Yu: Yeah, kinda weird, don't you think? I mean, it's not like there's any dangers or anything…

 _Cue Zhang He being smacked by something in the background_

Zhang He: AAAHHH!

Everyone else: **turns around** Huh?! What's that?

Zhang He: Ouch…that hurts so much, I feel that I'd die in the next single hit!

 _Then, a terrifying red shadow rises behind Zhang He, though he doesn't notice it._

Everyone: Errr….

Zhang He: Hm? What?

Zhang Liao: T-there's s-s-s-something…

Zhang He: Behind me? **turns around**

Lu Bu (?): GRAAARRRRRR!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! IT…IT'S LU BU!

Cao Cao: EVERYBODY, RUNNNNN!

Everyone: WAAAAAHHHHHH!

Lu Bu (?): RAAAWWRRRR! I'LL KILL YOU VERMINS!

Zhang He: KYAAAHHHH! GUYS, WAIT FOR MEEEEE! EEEPPPP!

Cao Cao: Huff…huff…seriously, we have to face Lu Bu now?!

Guo Jia: As if that wasn't bad enough, our escape is blocked!

Jia Xu: Dammit! Tch, so does this really mean we should face him?!

Lu Bu (?): THERE YOU ARE! I'LL MAKE SURE YOU WON'T ESCAPE THIS PLACE ALIVE! HYAH!

Everyone: WHOA!

Guo Jia: Shit…he's in his Rage Mode!

Jia Xu: One hit and we're droppin' like flies.

Xu Shu: What should we do?!

Xun Yu: Maybe we should try hitting him!

Jia Xu: You fucking nuts?! We'd die in less than a millisecond!

Xun Yu: But how could we know if we don't try?!

Zhang Liao: I'll try! Hyah! **attack passes through Lu Bu**

Everyone: **widens eyes**

Yue Jin: It's a hologram!

Yu Jin: Then how the hell it could hit Zhang He earlier?!

Jia Xu: Maybe because he's such a sissy?

Lu Bu hologram: HYAH!

Everyone: WAH!

Cao Cao: Okay, you know what, screw logic! We need to find a way of getting out of here!

Zhang He: But how?!

Yue Jin: I'll try!

Cao Cao: What?!

Yue Jin: Hey! You cockroach motherfucker! Come and get me!

Lu Bu hologram: GRRR!

Yue Jin: Whoops! Missed! Haha!

Lu Bu hologram: You annoying fucker! Hyah! GAH! TAKE THIS!

Yue Jin: Yip! Whoop! Yah! Hahaha, too fucking slow, sir!

Lu Bu: GRAH! YOU SHALL PAY FOR IT! HYAH!

Yue Jin: MISS! MISS! MISS! HAHAHAHA! All you can do, little bi- **grabbed by Lu Bu** –oooookkkaaaayyy….

Lu Bu hologram: Who's the little bitch now, huh?

Yue Jin: Errr…..AAHHHHHH! **punched**

Zhang Liao: AAAHHHH! YOU OKAY?!

Yue Jin: Aeiheyushudguhdurbyurhjsgyerfeyudvjendrkdmo…..

Lu Bu: GRAH! I'LL DESTROY THE REST OF YOU!

Cao Cao: EVERYBODY, RRUUUUUNNNN!

Everyone: AAAHHHHH!

* * *

 _15 minutes later_

Guo Jia: Pant…pant…shit, what are we gonna do?!

Jia Xu: Yue Jin is 99% dead, and Lu Bu is at 99% rage…

Zhang Liao: Hm! Hey, I have an idea! Xu Shu!

Xu Shu: Huh?! What?

Zhang Liao: Use your musou to get us away from Lu Bu!

Xu Shu: The fuck! The hell am I supposed to do some shit like that?!

Guo Jia: Maybe you need this! **throws a musou wine to Xu Shu**

Jia Xu: The fuck? Why in the hell are you carrying wine around?!

Guo Jia: Why? Obviously so that I won't be bored later.

Jia Xu: Tch, you're hopeless.

Guo Jia: Okay, you know what, drink it!

Xu Shu: But I have never drunk before!

Guo Jia: JUST FUCKING CHUG IT!

Xu Shu: Sigh…okay, I'm ready. Farewell, my innocent days! **drinks wine** WOOOOOOHHHH! **Immediately grabs the other 8 and runs on the speed of light**

Lu Bu (?): HUH?!

Everyone: WOAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

 _In an instant, they escaped Hulao Gate, successfully passing through the first challenge._

Everyone: WAAAHHH!

Cao Cao: Huff…huff…

Guo Jia: Whoa…DAMN! That was quite a trip…

Jia Xu: But we still have to look at the guy himself, though…

Xu Shu: Ahahahahah….oooh, I see the world spinning! Spin me round round, baby right round like a record baby…hahahahahaha…blegh… **faints**

Guo Jia: Hey, HEY!

Jia Xu: Well, it's his first time, you know…

Zhang Liao: Regardless, I think it's fortunate that we finally managed to escape.

Everyone: YEAH!

Zhang He: But…Yue Jin…

Yue Jin: Ahahahaha….I'm a LITTLE bitch, alright! I don't drink enough milk…but I guess you should look at Zhuge Dan for an ACTUAL little bitch, I mean he's a dog and shorter than me! Heheh, hehehehehe….

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Cao Cao: Okay, err…despite the…casualties all of us managed to go out of there safe and sound. Now, we only need to look for the next sign…hmm…

Xun Yu: Hm? Hey, over there!

Cao Cao: Hm! Right! Hmm…'Congratulations! You have managed to pass through the first challenge. Now, the next thing to do is to go to Yingchuan and wait for what's instructed there. Good luck.'

Guo Jia: Yingchuan? Whoo! You hear that, Xun Yu? We're going back to our hometown!

Xun Yu: Yeah…now I'm kinda homesick…

Jia Xu: Let's get going, then.

Cao Cao: Alright, you heard it. Now, we shall march onto Yingchuan! Let's go!

Everyone: YOOO!

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

* * *

Well, as a note, you may check the Three Kingdoms map to understand the route I'm using for the rest of the story. Please leave a review and have a good day!


	3. Yingchuan fanboys and fangirls attack!

_Chapter 3: Yingchuan fanboys and fangirls attack!_

* * *

Xu Shu: Ahaha, ahaha, ahahahahaha…..BLEEGGHH!

Guo Jia: GYAH! AAAHHH! FUCK!

Jia Xu: Sigh…AGAIN?!

Cao Cao: What's with all the noise back there?!

Guo Jia: It's Xu Shu again, sir.

Jia Xu: Seems like it's the 9th time he threw up or so…

Guo Jia: Really, can't we just settle down for a while? You know, so that Xu Shu could recover from his hangover?

Cao Cao: But we don't have much time! We have to go immediately or we won't be able to save Cai Wenji!

Jia Xu: But he just kept…

Xu Shu: Ehehehe, AHAHAHAHA! Ooh, what a wonderful world we live in! Yeah, wonderful! Or SHITTY! I don't know which one! Hahahaha…ooh… **falls down**

Guo Jia and Jia Xu: HEY!

Later, they noticed a glowing object in Xu Shu's hand.

Guo Jia: Hm? What's that?

Cao Cao: Huh? Hmm… **takes the object**

Jia Xu: What is it?

Cao Cao: It's a glowing ornamented rock of sorts…weird. I'm pretty sure none of us carried this thing when we first departed.

Xun Yu: Really? Let me see. Hmm…yeah, it's weird, really.

Guo Jia: Hmm…oh wait! Maybe it's the artifact that the letter told us about!

Cao Cao: The artifact…oh right! It said that it will help us in our journey…but how?

Jia Xu: Maybe we should try it!

Cao Cao: Hmm…no, it's too risky.

Xun Yu: Huh? Why?

Cao Cao: Well, who knows if it can only be used once! And once we used it here, we won't be able to use it later when we REALLY needed it. Nope! Not gonna risk that.

Guo Jia: Sigh…oh well. And, oh yeah, about Xu Shu…

Cao Cao: You two are gonna carry him until we arrive at Yingchuan.

Guo Jia and Jia Xu: But-

Cao Cao: NO BUTS!

Guo Jia and Jia Xu: Awww…

Xu Shu: Ahahahaha….soo SPARKLY! Hahaha….

* * *

 _4 hours later_

Cao Cao: Pant…pant…

Guo Jia: Oh? Ah! There! Over there! Yingchuan! Hey, Xun Yu! Look! Our home!

Xun Yu: Hm? Oh, right!

Cao Cao: Hmm…oh, that's the sign! Okay, let's see….hmm…

Guo Jia: **grabs Xun Yu's hand** Come on, Xun Yu! Let's run back to our home and relive our childhood memories! **runs towards Yingchuan**

Xun Yu: Eh?! Whoa, hey!

Cao Cao: Hmm…uh huh…uh huh…

Guo Jia: YINGCHUAN! I'M COMING! HOME SWEET HO-

Cao Cao: **stops both Guo Jia and Xun Yu by pushing back their faces** hmm…wait!

Guo Jia and Xun Yu: OW!

Guo Jia: Hey…what's your problem?! I was trying to return to my hometown after 20 years or so, and yet-

Cao Cao: BECAUSE IF I HADN'T DONE SO WE'RE ALL FUCKING DOOMED, OKAY!

Guo Jia: Huh?

Cao Cao: Look at the sign. "From this point on, NO YINGCHUAN NATIVES SHOULD ENTER." Which means you, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu!

Xun Yu: Eh? Why?

Cao Cao: I don't know. But you know the rules, right?

Guo Jia: Err…right.

Cao Cao: Well, good! Now, let's see the rest of the instructions…"So, the non-Yingchuan natives should be the one to enter, and once you're there you have to withstand the attack of the villagers at you. Once you've passed then the Yingchuan natives can follow you. Good luck."

Guo Jia: D'aww…but I wanna go home! But I can't! Hwaaahhh!

Xun Yu: Shut up. What the hell do you even want once you're there anyway?

Guo Jia: Umm…

Xun Yu: Don't say it. I already know what it is. You're such a useless piece of shit.

Guo Jia: Hwaaahhh…

Cao Cao: Well…as said before, Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu have to stay here. I, Jia Xu, Zhang Liao, Zhang He, Yue Jin, and Yu Jin will enter.

So the six non-Yingchuan natives entered the village.

Cao Cao: Hmm…oh my…well, gee! This is actually quite pleasant!

Jia Xu: Heh, I know right. The skies are clear, green meadows as far as the eyes can go, birds…such refreshing sight from all of those battles, right?

Zhang Liao: Now, I did hear it somewhere about Yingchuan being nicknamed 'The Village of Scholars'…or was it 'The Village of Pretty Boys'?

Yue Jin: 'Village of Pretty Boys'? You mean that this entire village is pretty much filled with pretty boys?!

Yu Jin: Well…I suppose Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu are enough proofs already…

Zhang He: Ooh my! If that's true, I suppose I will enjoy my time here!

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Cao Cao: Okay, okay, let's get off the pretty boys topic for a while. So, uh…what are we going to do here? The villagers here seem nice, they don't seem to be angry, or…anything. I'm confused.

Jia Xu: Yeah, me too. Maybe we're supposed to wait?

Yue Jin: But are we really going to just stand around here like idiots? I mean, there must be something we can try around here!

Zhang Liao: That might be a good idea, but the problem is that we might break the rules, and…

Everyone: **shudders at the image of Cai Wenji dying by explosions**

Cao Cao: Huff, okay, okay, you know what, maybe we really are supposed to sit on our asses and wait for a villager to be angry at us.

Yue Jin: But-

Cao Cao: We are not going to risk that. No. Definitely no.

Jia Xu: And besides, what's wrong with sitting on our asses here, anyway? We can see such beautiful scenery-

Zhang He: AND THOSE HANDSOME BOYS! OH MY GOD!

Everyone: Err… **sweatdrop**

Cao Cao: ….including those. Yeah.

Yu Jin: Now that sorta brings up the question. Do you think that, um…do you think that the villagers are not gonna be…I don't know, suspicious at us?

Cao Cao: What do you mean?

Yu Jin: I mean, we suddenly show up at their village, wearing full armor, and we're old guys. Well, except for Yue Jin and Zhang He, but the problem is that the villagers might even try to drive us away from here!

Jia Xu: Isn't that the whole goddamn point here? We sit idle around here, waiting for some guy to be angry and start attacking us, then we try to withstand said attack!

Cao Cao: You know, he's got a point.

Yu Jin: …huh. Alright.

Pretty boy scholar 1#: Hm? Pstt, hey, do you see that?

Pretty boy scholar 2#: What?

Pretty boy scholar 1#: **points at the six** Those guys over there.

Pretty boy scholar 2#: Ooh, I see.

Pretty boy scholar 1#: Should we check them out?

Pretty boy scholar 2#: Definitely.

Pretty boy scholar 1#: **walks up to Cao Cao** Hey, where did you come from?

Cao Cao: Glkh! Eh, umm…from Wei!

Pretty boy scholar 2#: Wei? Hm, wait, isn't that the place Guo Jia and Xun Yu work at?

Pretty boy scholar 1#: Yeah, that's right?

Jia Xu: Wait, you guys know Guo Jia and Xun Yu?

Pretty boy scholar 1#: That's right! Those two are very famous in our village, you know.

Jia Xu: Famous?

Pretty boy scholar 2#: Of course. Xun Yu often gets crowded by all the girls around here, and Guo Jia always tries to woo them but always failing to do so.

Jia Xu: Sigh…why am I not surprised? Even back here they're still all the same.

Pretty boy scholar 1#: Hehe. Oh, but anyway! Seeing that you're an outsider, I suppose we would like to learn more about your customs.

Cao Cao: Like what?

Pretty boy scholar 2#: Well, many, we suppose. But ah, we see that you guys look quite fun to be around with… **starts to get uncomfortably close to Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: Uhh…buddy, you're getting too close.

Pretty boy scholar 2#: Oh, what's with it? Besides, there's no need to call me 'buddy', or anything…hehe…

Cao Cao: Err…

Jia Xu: Why is it getting a bit suspicious here?

Pretty boy scholar 1#: Aw, why must you be so suspicious at us? Just make yourself feel at home…hehe…

Jia Xu: What the…psst, Lord Cao Cao!

Cao Cao: What?

Jia Xu: You notice something strange?

Cao Cao: Zhang He certainly didn't!

Jia Xu: Great, you caught my cue.

Cao Cao: What the hell's with these villagers, anyway?!

Jia Xu: No fucking idea! Maybe this is what the sign meant by 'the villagers' attack'?!

Cao Cao: Don't know! Argh, I can withstand ANY attack, but THIS….

Jia Xu: Maybe we should escape!

Cao Cao: Okay!

Jia Xu: Follow my lead. Okay, one, two, THREE!

The six: **runs away**

Pretty boy scholar 1# and 2#: Huh?! Hey, what's with you guys?! **Immediately chases**

The six: GLK! They followed us!

Cao Cao: It's alright, it's alright, just try to maintain your speed!

Jia Xu: Hm? GLK! Uhh, guys….

Cao Cao: What?!

Jia Xu: **points at behind**

Cao Cao: What's with it…THE FUCK?!

They soon noticed that ALL villagers are now chasing them as well.

Cao Cao: WHAT THE HELL?! ALL OF THEM!

Zhang Liao: Well, shit! Now the entire village wants us!

Yue Jin: Seriously! Aside from being village of scholars and pretty boys, it's also a village of gays as well?!

Jia Xu: No wonder Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu are what they are…

Cao Cao: Guys! This is no time for chattering around! We have to get out of here!

The villagers: COME ON, TOURISTS! WE WANT YOUUUU!

The six: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _Meanwhile, outside of Yingchuan…_

Guo Jia: Oh, my god…how long are those six going to be there, anyway?!

Xun Yu: Geez, what's your problem, anyway?!

Guo Jia: I'm tired of having to sit on my ass for hours!

Xun Yu: Dude, we've been waiting of for only half an hour.

Guo Jia: But it's still tiring!

Xu Shu: Errghh…oh god…my head feels like it's splitting apart…

Guo Jia: Hm? Hey, Xu Shu! You're finally awake!

Xu Shu: I suppose…gah…I'll never drink again after this…

Xun Yu: Hm?! Hey, wait, what?!

Guo Jia: What?

Xun Yu: Look! Lord Cao Cao and the others are running away from…something…

Guo Jia: Really? Hmm…oh no. No. Don't tell me…

Cue the rushing (gay) villagers

Guo Jia and Xun Yu: **jawdrop**

Guo Jia: What the…hey, Xun Yu?

Xun Yu: Yeah?

Guo Jia: You…you still remember THAT, right?!

Xun Yu: Yes. Yes…of course.

Guo Jia: My goodness…right…NOW I know why we're so far away from home…

Xun Yu: Never thought those villagers remained the way they were, huh…

Guo Jia: You think they'll be okay?!

Xun Yu: Yeah…..no. No. They simply won't survive THAT.

Guo Jia: But if they die, we're fucked! And Cai Wenji too!

Xun Yu: I don't know…but I suppose in this situation, we just have to hope for the best.

* * *

 _Back at Yingchuan…_

Cao Cao: Huff…huff…GAH! Just how far are we going to run?!

Jia Xu: Well, it's said that we have to withstand their attack, so…

Zhang He: BUT I'M TIRED ALREADY!

Yu Jin: Shut the fuck up and just run, will you?!

Jia Xu: Hm? Oh, hey! Good news!

Cao Cao: What?

Jia Xu: Look at them! Those gay villagers are being attacked by the female villagers…

Cao Cao: So it's basically a fangirl attack now?

Jia Xu: I suppose, wait…no.

Cao Cao: What?

Female villagers: Oh! Look at that! **points at the six**

The six: Oh, shit!

Female villagers: KYAAAAAHHHH! **starts chasing**

The six: AAAHHHHHH!

Back at outside of Yingchuan….

Guo Jia: Hmmh…huh…hey…what the hell?!

Xun Yu: What?!

Guo Jia: Look…LOOK AT THOSE! ALL THOSE FEMALE VILLAGERS ARE CHASING THE OTHER SIX GUYS!

Xun Yu: What the…you serious?!

Guo Jia: WAAAHHHH! I WANT ME SOME CHASING FANGIRLS TOO! **runs towards Yingchuan**

Xun Yu: What the- WAIT!

Guo Jia: AAAHHH…..LOVELY GIRLS, I'M COMIN- **suddenly gets electrocuted** GWAAAAHHHH!

Xun Yu: What the...HEY! You alright?!

Guo Jia: **holds his crotch in pain** Owwwhhh….my balls! MY BALLS! Gwraurgh…

Xun Yu: What…what happened to your balls?

Guo Jia: I….I was attempting to go to those chasing fangirls when suddenly something electrocuted my balls! Ouch….awh….hwaaahhh…huhuhuhuhu…

Xun Yu: Wow…must've been the 'punishment' you got for disobeying the signs, huh.

Guo Jia: Shut….up! Awwhhh…I feel like I could even barely walk for the next few hours…huhuhuhuhu….

Xun Yu: Well, your fault. Besides, why did you want those chasing fangirls, anyway? I used to have THOSE every goddamn day when we were still living here…goodness…

* * *

 _Back at Yingchuan…_

Cao Cao: Huff, huff…good LORD! Those fangirls are even faster than the gay villagers!

Jia Xu: Uh-oh, they're getting closer!

Fangirls: KYAAAHHH!

Cao Cao: GAKH!

Soon, the six were trapped in a sea of Yingchuan fangirls.

Cao Cao: GAAAKHH! OOF!

Jia Xu: My…GOD! I CAN'T BREATHE!

Zhang Liao: For…fuck's…SAKE!

Zhang He: AAHHH! MY FRAIL, BEAUTIFUL BODY'LL BE CRUSHED!

Yue Jin: Why in the hell are they so interested in us, anyway?!

Yu Jin: We must…get out of here…arkh…

Jia Xu: Pant…pant…huff…oh! Hey, Lord Cao Cao!

Cao Cao: What?!

Jia Xu: Use….that stone!

Cao Cao: What stone?! Oh, right! **pulls out the glowing artifact**

Jia Xu: Yeah! Use it!

Cao Cao: Hrgh….HYAH!

Soon, the artifact shone brightly, and moments later, the six turned out to have disappeared.

Yingchuan fangirls: Huh?! Where'd they gone to?!

 _Outside of Yingchuan..._

Xun Yu: Huh?! What's that glow?

Guo Jia: What?

Xun Yu: Over there! And…OH NO! Where…where'd Lord Cao Cao and the others gone to?!

Guo Jia: What?! They're gone?!

Xun Yu: Yeah…there's suddenly a light coming from there, and then…they're gone…

Guo Jia: Shit. Maybe we should check at what's going on?

Xun Yu: But is it okay?

Guo Jia: I don't know…I'll try to dip just my finger across the boundary, and…..whoa. It's fine!

Xun Yu: Really?

Guo Jia: Yeah! And just like the sign said, the Yingchuan natives can go once the other six have passed the challenge.

Xun Yu: So that means the six have already passed? But where are they now?

Guo Jia: That's the one thing we have to check! Come on!

Xun Yu: Hm, alright! Hey, Xu Shu! Come on!

Xu Shu: Huh? Ehm, okay! Argh! Ouch…my head's still spinning…argh…

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay! As tradition dictates, leave a review and have a good day!


	4. Xiapi Snowland, Part 1

_Chapter 4: Xiapi Snowland, Part 1_

* * *

Cao Cao: Gah…urgh…what….was that? WHOA!

 _When Cao Cao woke up, he noticed that he's woken up in a large winter land._

Cao Cao: W-whatt…what is this? The entire ground's covered in ice! WHOA! Huff…almost slipped there… **walks across** Hmm…I wonder what this place could be…oh! There's a sign up there! Let's see…'Congratulations! You've passed through the second challenge. So, you managed to pass thanks to the artifact you've gained from the first challenge, which brought you here to the third challenge in Xiapi. Now, after you defeated Lu Bu with the flood, the cold weather has caused the water to freeze, which caused the entire city to become covered with ice. Your challenge here is to go through various objects to reunite with the 8 others, and then team up to defeat the final boss inside the Xiapi Castle. Good luck.' Hmm…Xiapi Castle, eh? That's truly one terrifying looking castle…okay, here I go.

 _15 minutes later_

Cao Cao: Hrmf…god, the blizzard is too strong! Well, it's not like that it's cold, I mean I attack peons using ice, but it's blocking my sight! …wait, someone's there! HEY! Argh, I can't see who it is…hope it's not a polar bear or something- OOF! **looks up to see an angry polar bear**

Polar bear: Grrr….

Cao Cao: Oh, you GOT to be kidding me! **runs away**

Polar bear: GRAWRRR! **chases Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: AAHHH! Huff, huff…oh, seriously! Polar bears in ancient China?! Come on, I was just joking! AAAHHHHH!

Polar bear: GRAAARRRGHHH!

Cao Cao: Huff…huff…shit! It's getting closer! What should I do…oh! Aha! Hmph! **picks a rock and throws it towards the polar bear**

Polar bear: AUWWW! **falls**

Cao Cao: Pant, pant…is it dead? **approaches the polar bear**

Polar bear: …..

Cao Cao: …. **stomps repeatedly on the polar bear** …..yup, he's dead. Okay, back on track.

A couple of minutes later…

Cao Cao: Huff…man, just how far do I have to go…huh?! Jia Xu?!

Jia Xu: Oh…hey, Lord Cao Cao…

Cao Cao: What the hell…Jia Xu, the fuck's with you?! You're covered in twigs and-

Jia Xu: Don't go further. I already know what you're thinking. Well, since I'm pretty sure we both have already read the sign, I suppose I should tell you what happened…

* * *

 _Flahback through Jia Xu's POV_

Jia Xu: Argh…puh! GLKH! Argh…ah…MOTHERFUCKER! WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN COLD HERE?! Brrr….aacho! Hrmf…last time I remember we were running away from those crazy Yingchuan fangirls, and then Lord Cao Cao used that stone and then we're suddenly here…brrrr….tch, fuck. I'm not used to cold weather like this. I'd probably need to use my fire magic to heat me up. Hrmf…oh, the sign! Let's see…uh-huh…hm, okay. Though with temperature like this I doubt I could survive…shit…

 _Several minutes later_

Jia Xu: Brrr….gah, I'm not going to survive with this kind of temperature! I need to heat myself…hmm…aha, maybe I can collect some firewood around here! **chops down some trees**

 _Later…_

Jia Xu: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo~ **poked by something** Uh? **looks down**

Squirrel: **points at the firewood Jia Xu collected**

Jia Xu: What? Piss off, critter.

Squirrel: **continues poking Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Gah, what's your business? Go away.

Squirrel: **climbs up Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: Ah! Gah! Get off me! Huh?

Squirrel: **yaps something while pointing at the firewood**

Jia Xu: Uh…ehm…huh…okay, I don't speak critter but I guess you're saying that this firewood I've collected was your home, right?

Squirrel: **nods**

Jia Xu: …well, fuck you and your home! I need this to avoid freezing to death! I got an important mission here! REALLY important! So fuck off and stop bitching about your home!

Squirrel: **gets angry, then attacks Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: What the- AAAAHHH! You…goddamned rodent! GET OFF ME! STOP! STOP IT! AH! AWH! GAKH! AWAWAWAWAWAWAAAAAA!

The fight manages to last up until Jia Xu stumbles far enough to a side of a hill.

Jia Xu: Gakh…aww! **looks down** Ah….NO! Stop it! STOP IT! I'LL FALL!

Squirrel: **pushes Jia Xu until he falls downhill**

Jia Xu: WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Jia Xu: …so now you know.

Cao Cao: **sweatdrop**

Jia Xu: Well, the morals? Never piss off a rodent.

Cao Cao: Ehhh…by the way, are you sure you're alright with all those twigs and branches covering your body?

Jia Xu: Eh, it's alright. Infact, they keep me warm in this extreme temperature.

Cao Cao: Well, if that's the case, we have to hurry!

Jia Xu: Right!

* * *

 _Later…_

Cao Cao: Hmm…

Jia Xu: Found anything?

Cao Cao: Hmmh…nope, nothing interesting.

Jia Xu: Sigh…well, shit. Hmm…oh?!

Cao Cao: What's that?

Jia Xu: Look! Someone's there!

Cao Cao: Really? ….oh! Zhang Liao?! Oy, HEY! OVER HERE!

Zhang Liao: Hm? Ah! Lord Cao Cao!

Cao Cao: Glad to see you he- OH MY GOD! WHY ARE ALL THOSE WOLVES HERE?!

Zhang Liao: Oh, right…sorry for surprising you with this pack of wolves I brought here.

Jia Xu: How the hell did you manage to get them, anyway?

Zhang Liao: Ah…well, you see…

* * *

 _Flashback through Zhang Liao's POV_

Zhang Liao: Argh…ehm…what…happened? …oh, right, after that fangirl attack, Lord Cao Cao used that stone, and we were all transported here…emrgh…., but gah! Why is it so dark in here?! And cold as well…I'm a bit worried…hrmgh…. **lights a torch** …oh! That's the sign! …uh huh…okay….hm! Xiapi, eh? The place where Lord Lu Bu was defeated and I was recruited into Lord Cao Cao's army…hmm…okay, it seems like I somehow got transported inside a cave...okay, I need to hurry and get out of here and meet the others.

 _Several minutes later…_

Zhang Liao: Huff…is there no end to this cave? Hmpsh… **bumps into something** Oof! What's this? It's big, hairy, and- ….oh no. **moves the torch to reveal the object**

Wolf: Grrrrr…..

Zhang Liao: **widens eyes** ….gulp.

Wolf: GRRRAAAAWWWWRRR!

Zhang Liao: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! **flees**

Wolves: **chase Zhang Liao**

Zhang Liao: Huff…huff…ah, shit! Now there's a whole pack of them! Gah, seriously, first Mt. Bailang, and now THIS! AAAHHHH! **gets trampled by wolves** WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Gah, ah….NO! Stop! IT! WAAAHHH! Shit, I gotta find a way outta this….think Wenyuan, THINK! ….oh! This branch right here! HYAH! **uses the branch to attack the wolves**

Wolves: **whimper**

Zhang Liao: Hah, hah, hah…now, do you bitches still dare to fight me now? Huh? HUH?! **lifts the branch up**

Wolves: Arf! **stares at the branch**

Zhang Liao: Hm? Hey, do you wanna fight me or not?! ….hey, wait… **moves the branch left and right**

Wolves: **follows the movement of the branch** Arf! Arf!

Zhang Liao: Hey…the hell? Hmm… **throws the branch aside**

Wolves: ARF! ARF! **chases the branch**

Zhang Liao: Whew….well, THAT was easy…oh well, better get going.

 _Several minutes later…_

Zhang Liao: ….

"GRAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!"

Zhang Liao: Huh?! The hell was that sound?! …huff, now THIS is creepy. Hrmf… **continues walking, then stops when he heard a wooshing sound** AH! WHO'S THERE?! …okay, you've scared me twice now. You WILL reveal yourself! Go out! Don't keep me waiting! ….tch, there really is NO ONE there. There goes my precious time. Okay, keep going…

 _Several minutes later…._

Zhang Liao: Good lord, how can the snow be this thick? I can barely walk across this thick snow…AAAHHH! OOF!

Suddenly, something flew right into Zhang Liao's face.

Zhang Liao: Argh, what the hell was- AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Wolf: Pant, pant, pant….ARF!

Zhang Liao: What the….WHY ARE YOU BACK ON ME NOW?! I thought you and your fellow watery-mouth friends are already gone!

Another wolf: Arf! **hands the branch to Zhang Liao**

Zhang Liao: **widens eyes** The hell….so THIS is the reason why you came back to me?

Wolf: Arf! Arf! Pant, pant, pant… **licks Zhang Liao's face**

Zhang Liao: GYAH! Stop defiling me with your disgusting saliva! Only Lord Lu Bu's saliva can- wait, what?! Okay, okay, nevermind. Why in the hell would you still remain here? Go away! There! **throws the branch again**

Wolf: **runs to catch the branch and returns it to Zhang Liao**

Zhang Liao: What the fuck? Hyah! **throws the branch again**

Wolf: **returns the branch to Zhang Liao again**

Zhang Liao: …sigh…guess there's no helping it, huh?

Wolves: Pant, pant, pant…

Zhang Liao: Hrmpsh…alright, fine, you guys can go with me. I mean, who knows if you turned out to have some use later…

Wolves: ARF! ARF! ARF!

Zhang Liao: Alright, alright, save your energy later. Let's get going.

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Zhang Liao: …so that's how.

Cao Cao: Err….well…wow. Ever since Mt. Bailang, those wolves kept giving me nightmares. Oh well.

Jia Xu: Hmm…by the way, regarding the mysterious scream you heard, you have any idea what that could be?

Zhang Liao: I…don't really know. It sounded like something a monster would spout out.

Cao Cao: Monster? Oh, come on, after dealing with bears, wolves, and squirrels, now monsters as well? I thought the only monster who dwells in Xiapi is Lu Bu.

Zhang Liao: I'm not exactly sure either. It seemed like the scream originated from that part of the hill on the way towards the castle.

Cao Cao: Hmm…I see. I'll make sure we have to be careful when we came across that part.

Zhang Liao and Jia Xu: Got it.

 _Around an hour later…_

Cao Cao: Hmm…hey, did you guys hear something?

Zhang Liao: Eh? What sound?

Jia Xu: **shrugs**

Cao Cao: I…don't know. It sounds like a…singing.

Zhang Liao: Singing? Who the hell could be singing in the middle of snow like this?!

Jia Xu: Of course, no normal human being would do that. Unless, of course, if we're talking about-

"THE MAGNIFICENT ZHANG HEEEEEEEEEEE~!"

Cao Cao, Zhang Liao, and Jia Xu: GLKH! WHAT!

Zhang He: **does a ballerina twirl in front of the three, then continues dancing accompanied with a bunch of squirrels**

Cao Cao, Zhang Liao, and Jia Xu: **look at each other and shrug alternately, not having any goddamn idea at what's going on**

Zhang He: **finishes the dance with a dramatic pose** Ta~Da!

Cao Cao, Zhang Liao, and Jia Xu: …..

Zhang He: Ah, what is it my friends? Too astonished by my BEAUTIFUL performance?

Cao Cao: ….I…..I…

Zhang Liao: …what….

Jia Xu: ….was…..THAT…..

Zhang He: Hm, it just seems you are quite confused. Well then, let me clear out the darkness for you.

Flashback, from Zhang He's POV

Zhang He: Hrgh….brrr…ah! What…what's this freezing coldness?! Brrr….where…where am I anyway? After Lord Cao Cao transported us all using that weird stone thing…hm? A sign! ….oh, okay, got it! Hmm…Xiapi, eh? Never thought it will turn into a large snow land like this. I just hope Lu Bu won't suddenly show up and kill me…. **shudder**

 _Later…_

Zhang He: Huff…huff…oh my, I'm so tired having to walk across thick snow like this! Perhaps I could take some rest…whew… **lies down and sleeps**

 _30 minutes later_

Zhang He: Ermgh….agh…what…what's this thing on my face….ermgh…. **wakes up**

Squirrels: **latching onto Zhang He**

Zhang He: **widens eyes** ….WHAAAAA! What, what are these disgusting, filthy rodents doing to my BEAUTIFUL body?! Argh! Go! Go away!

Squirells: **continues latching onto Zhang He**

Zhang He: AAAAAHHH! Stop! STOP IT! OR I'LL SEND MY BUTTERFLIES TO EAT YOU! **makes a dramatic pose**

Squirrels: **imitates Zhang He's pose**

Zhang He: **makes another pose**

Squirrels: **imitates**

Zhang He: ….ohhhh. **starts dancing**

Squirrels: **dances as well**

Zhang He: Ooooohhh…HOHOHOHO! This is marvelous! In that case, please forget my previous rudeness…instead, LET US DANCE OUR WAY THROUGH TOGETHER~!

 _Back to present…_

Zhang He: …and that's how I managed to gain these adorable critters to be a part of my very own dance group! BEAUTIFUL, isn't it?

Cao Cao: **sweatdrop** Uhh…yeah. Beautiful, right…

Jia Xu: Now this doesn't even make any fucking sense! Why the hell do these critters even like you?! One of them almost killed me by pushing me down a hill! And look at me!

Zhang Liao: Maybe that's because you're hated by almost EVERYTHING in the nature, heh.

Jia Xu: Oh, gimme a break! I'm no saint, I know, but how bad could I REALLY be to be hated by EVERYTHING?! Only Dong Zhuo could reach that particular level of bad.

Cao Cao: By the way, anything interesting you came across?

Zhang He: Ah, hmm…if I remember correctly I did come across a mysterious shadow lurking among the forests…it seems to be looking for, or chasing something. It looks like a human male, but I'm not really sure.

Cao Cao: Interesting…that means we have to be more careful around here.

Zhang Liao: Shadow of human male? Hmm…wait! Could it be that cryptozoology creature? What's it's name again….oh yeah, Yeti!

Cao Cao: Yeti? Come on, are you crazy? There's no fucking way a Yeti could live here! The closest thing we have to a yeti gotta be Lu Bu in his Fairytale DLC….

Jia Xu: Great. Bears, wolves, squirrels, monsters, and now yeti?

Zhang He: Ah, I don't think it could be yeti. After all, yetis are huge, right? The shadow that I saw were actually of normal size…short, even.

Cao Cao: Well, yeti or not, that means we have to be careful. All to save Cai Wenji. Okay, let's continue our expedition!

Everyone: YO!

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

* * *

Okay! Please leave a review and have a good day!


	5. Xiapi Snowland, Part 2

_Chapter 5: Xiapi Snowland, Part 2_

* * *

Cao Cao: …hm! There's a forest just up ahead.

Zhang He: Ah, that's the same forest I just passed through my way here!

Jia Xu: You mean the way where you saw that so-called yeti?

Zhang He: Yes, that's right.

Zhang Liao: Aww shittt….you sure there's no other way?

Cao Cao: I suppose not. By the way, why are you scared, Zhang Liao? The 'Demon of Hefei' isn't supposed to be scared by things like these.

Zhang Liao: W-who said I'm scared?! I-it's just that I fear that it's gonna take a long time to get out of here! **shudders**

Jia Xu: If you're scared, maybe you can cover yourself in twigs and branches like me.

Zhang Liao: Hey, I'm scared, not retarded.

Jia Xu: Fear can sometimes make people retarded.

Cao Cao: Okay, okay, that's enough. We need not to fear anything. After all, with Zhang Liao's wolves and Zhang He's squirrel dance group, we'll be safe. Come, let's go.

Zhang Liao: S-sir, are you serious about this? I mean, hey, maybe I could use my wolves to check on another route. I-I mean, what if we'll get lost there?!

Jia Xu: Geez, when did you become such a pussy, anyway?

Zhang He: You mean like his Fairytale DLC?

Jia Xu: Not that kind of pussy!

Zhang Liao: I told you, I'm not scared! It's just…tch, you know what, screw it! Let's just go in already! **hops in the forest**

Cao Cao: What?! Hey, whoa, hold in on there! Well gee, seconds ago he didn't want to enter the forest, but now he entered it first? Hmpsh…

Jia Xu: So what? Saved us a hell lotta time. Let's go.

Cao Cao: Right.

* * *

 _Inside the forest_

Cao Cao: OY! ZHANG LIAO! WHERE ARE YOU?!

Jia Xu: He didn't respond.

Cao Cao: Gah! Try again! ZHANG LIAO! WHERE ARE YOU?!

Zhang He: Now, now, my lord, you don't need to overexert yourself. Let me and my adorable critters help you!

Jia Xu: Looking for Zhang Liao using those goddamned squirrels? I would normally snark at how absurd this is, but since you're Zhang He I suppose it could actually work.

Zhang He: Haha! Just you watch the magnificent Zhang He to work out this miracle! **makes a 'beautiful' pose**

Cao Cao and Jia Xu: **sweatdrop**

Zhang He: Okay! **takes a deep breath, then proceeds to make some weird gestures and movements to the squirrels**

Cao Cao and Jia Xu: **look at each other and shrug alternately**

Squirrels: **move up the trees to search**

Jia Xu: …..hey. You sure that is REALLY gonna work?

Zhang He: Of course!

Cao Cao: Let's just believe in him, okay…he's the goddamn Zhang He.

Squirrels: **come down from the tree and critters to Zhang He**

Zhang He: Hm? Hmhm…oh! I see…okay, okay, uh huh…yep! Got it! You did quite a fine work, my little friends!

Cao Cao: So how about it?

Zhang He: The squirrels said that they spotted Zhang Liao in in the west side.

Jia Xu: West side?

Zhang He: Moreover, he seems to be chasing after something.

Cao Cao: Chasing after something? Ah shit, don't tell me…

Jia Xu: In that case we have to hurry!

Cao Cao: Right, right!

* * *

 _Several minutes later…_

Cao Cao: Pant, pant, pant….AH! There he is! OY! ZHANG LIAO!

Zhang Liao: **turns around** Ah! Lord Cao Ca- **suddenly gets dragged by the wolves** WAAAAAHHHH!

Cao Cao: What?! Zhang Liao, wait! **runs after Zhang Liao**

Later

Cao Cao: Pant, pant, pant….Zhang….LIAO!

Zhang Liao: Oh, Lord Cao Cao! You know, I'm sorry for-

Cao Cao: Pant…what….was…pant…THAT anyway?!

Zhang Liao: I'm sorry! Look, when I entered this forest, suddenly my wolves smelled something, and so they tried to run after it, trying to drag me along! And do you think I can fight against this many wolves?!

Cao Cao: Oh….then, have the found what they were smelling?

Zhang Liao: Not exactly. They stopped here, meaning that they thought the smell was coming from here. Which means we have to wait what will suddenly pop out of here…

Cao Cao: **shudders**

Wolves: Hrm! Arf! Arf! Grr…

Zhang Liao: Ah! What is it? You found something?

Jia Xu: Hmm…I think they're looking that way. **points at bushes**

Cao Cao: That way? Hmm….

Wolves: Grrr….bark! Bark! BARK!

Zhang He: I wonder what could be hiding from that…

Cao Cao: I'll look. **goes inside the bushes** Hmmm…..oy! I know you're here! Show yourself! Or I'll look for you personally, and you WILL be in the world of pain! **hears something moving inside the bushes** WAH! Huff…okay, NOW you're starting to irritate me! Go out and let us finish this like a man!

Not long after, something bumped onto Cao Cao. When the latter looked down to find out…

Yue Jin: ….oh? Hey, Lord Cao Cao!

Cao Cao: ….WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jia Xu, Zhang Liao, and Zhang He: WHOA!

Zhang Liao: L…lord Cao Cao? Hey, you okay there?

Cao Cao: I'm okay! It's just, it's just that…

Yue Jin: Oh, hey guys! It's so great to meet you again!

Zhang Liao: Yue Jin?! What…what were you doing in those bushes?

Yue Jin: Oh, right. I suppose I should tell you what happened…

* * *

 _Flashback, from Yue Jin's POV_

Yue Jin: erm…gah…what was that….GLKH! Where…where am I?! I'm in the middle of a forest! Oh god…wait…where are the others?! GAH! Hey guys! Hello?! WHERE ARE YOU?! Ah, shit! I really shouldn't have shouted like that in the middle of a forest! Wild animals might come and attack me…hrmf…oh, the sign! Hmm….oh, I see! So we're in Xiapi now…weird…I never remembered Xiapi having a large forest like this. Oh well. Better go looking for the others.

 _Several minutes later…._

Yue Jin: Pant, pant…walking for so long like this is so tiring! Better sit down for a while….oh fuck, now I'm hungry as well. There must be some food around here…hmm…acorn? Not bad, perhaps. Aaa-

"GRAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!"

Yue Jin: Wha- SHIT! The….the hell was that sound?! ….my goodness. **shudder**

Suddenly, a squirrel hopped and stole Yue Jin's acorn.

Yue Jin: What the- Hey! That's MY food! Give it back! **chases the squirrel**

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Yue Jin: …and I kept chasing that squirrel up to this bush, where I finally caught that little, critting bastard! Haha! **eats the acorn**

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Zhang Liao: …wait! You said that you heard a monster-like scream from far away?

Yue Jin: Yeah. Why?

Zhang Liao: Oh god….maybe it's the same scream I also heard!

Jia Xu: Which means that some monster definitely lives here, eh…this is such a crappy situation we have to deal with.

Cao Cao: It's alright. As long as we stand together, there's nothing we cannot overcome!

Zhang Liao: My lord, isn't that the stuff we commonly hear from Wu? We are Wei, not Wu.

Cao Cao: Ah, it's alright. At least it sounds cool. Haha!

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Cao Cao: Well! Let's not waste any more time. Off we go!

Everyone: YO!

* * *

 _Several minutes later_

Wolves: Sniff, sniff, sniff….grrr…..BARK! BARK!

Zhang Liao: Ah! What is it?

Wolves: BARK! BARK! Grrr…

Jia Xu: Seems like something's approaching us.

Zhang He: Aahh! Please, not the monsters! Or yetis!

Cao Cao: Calm down! And haven't I told you that there are no yetis here?!

Yue Jin: Yetis? YETIS?! AAAAHHH! NOT THE YETIS!

Cao Cao: THERE ARE NO YETIS HERE, DUMB FUCK!

Yue Jin: AAAAHHHHH!

Cao Cao: AND KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN! YOU WANT THOSE MONSTERS TO COME AT US?!

Jia Xu: Uh, sir-

Cao Cao: YOU TOO! KEEP QUIET!

Jia Xu: **makes a 'really?' face**

Zhang He: Hmm….my lord, is it just me or that it's suddenly dark?

Cao Cao: Really? …gee, you're right!

Jia Xu: And it's gotten even colder as well! Achoo!

Cao Cao: Hmm…I wonder why…

Jia Xu: Brrr…well, no matter what the reason, this kind of situation never ends well. Sigh…

Cao Cao: Oh really?

?: **stands behind the five** Grrrr….

Everyone: **widens eyes**

Zhang He: Oh god…

Cao Cao: Okay…you guys ready for this?

Everyone: Aye. **turns around to see a massive ice giant behind them**

Ice giant: GRRRRROOOOOOWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!

Everyone: KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cao Cao: Everybody, RUUUUNNNNNN!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ice giant: GRRROOOOOOAAARRRRR! **attempts to strike the five**

Yue Jin: WAH! Whew, that was close! Hm? Hey guys, WAIT FOR MEEEEEEE!

 _After several minutes of running away…_

Cao Cao: Huff, huff, huff, pant, pant…

Jia Xu: GAH! Seriously…bears, wolves, squirrels, and now THIS!

Zhang Liao: Just try to run as fast as possible!

Cao Cao: Huff, huff, huff…. **trips down** AAAHH!

Zhang Liao: AH! My lord!

Cao Cao: Pant, pant, pant…shit! It's getting closer!

Ice giant: Grrr…

Zhang He: AAAAHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Would you just shut the fuck up?!

Zhang He: But it's getting closer!

Jia Xu: I KNOW IT'S GETTING CLOSER! You can be a pussy, BUT NO NEED TO STATE THE OBVIOUS!

Cao Cao: Pant, pant….

Ice giant: Grrr…. **suddenly gets struck in the back**

Everyone: Huh?!

 _It turned out that another ice giant was the one who struck the first ice giant._

Yue Jin: What the…another ice giant?!

Jia Xu: But why is he attacking his own kind? It doesn't make any sense…

Cao Cao: Eh, at least we can sit down from all that running and watch the show.

Zhang Liao: But Lord Cao Cao, we have to go away from here! Not watching these two ice giants brawling!

Cao Cao: To hell with that! You heard it yourself that I'm tired as fuck! So let me have my goddamn rest and entertainment!

Zhang Liao: What the…huff, fine…

 _After several minutes of brawling, the second ice giant finally defeated the first._

Cao Cao: WOO-HOO! YAAYYYYY! Magnificent!

Everyone: Phew…

Cao Cao: Well! It looks like we've gotten ourselves a new friend!

Ice giant 2: **turns around and walks to the five** Grrr…..

Cao Cao: …errr….

Zhang Liao: ….or maybe not.

Jia Xu: Now, how it goes again? Oh right, "stepping out of a lion's nest to an alligator's den", or something like that. Don't quite remember the details.

Cao Cao: Gulp…

Ice giant 2: **prepares to strike** GRRRRAAAAWWWRRRR!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Ice giant 2: GRRAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR- GRWARGH! **suddenly stops**

Everyone: Huh?

Jia Xu: Hey, what happened?

Zhang Liao: He just suddenly stopped like that.

Cao Cao: Yeah. Hmm…oh! Look at that...it's on a leash! It's preventing him from advancing any further!

Yue Jin: A leash? But how can someone put him on a leash?! And WHY would they do it anyway?!

?: Okay, now that you've saved them, you can't attack them. That's the rules.

 _After that, someone stepped in from behind, holding the leash restricting the ice giant. It was Yu Jin._

Yu Jin: Lord Cao Cao! I'm glad to see you here, and the others. It seems that all of you are safe, as well.

Everyone: **jawdrop**

Cao Cao: Y…y…Yu…Jin?

Zhang Liao: What….I don't….ah….

Jia Xu: ….how the hell can you…..

Yu Jin: Ah? Is there something wrong?

Cao Cao: OF COURSE THERE IS! How…HOW THE HELL CAN YOU EVEN GET THAT ICE GIANT TO OBEY YOU?!

Yu Jin: Ah, simple. I just put this leash around it and-

Cao Cao: That's not my fucking point! One of them tried to KILL us earlier! How can you even get that thing on a leash at the first place?!

Jia Xu: Good lord…even a frickin' ice giant is scared of Yu Jin…

Yue Jin: **shudders**

Yu Jin: Hm, that's right. Of course all of you must be surprised upon seeing me with my new ally (Jia Xu: **whispers in a background** Ally? It's more like your slave, instead…), so let me unfold my tale…

* * *

 _Flashback, from Yu Jin's POV_

Yu Jin Ermh….hm! This place…what is this place? Everything's snowy…and after that attack on Yingchuan…hrmh….oh, the sign! Let's see….ahhh, I see. So this place is Xiapi, the place where we defeated Lu Bu…okay then, better get going.

Several minutes later….

Yu Jin: ….. **suddenly hears a growl in the distance** AH! Who's there?! …whoever you are, come out and get me if you dare!

Ice giant: GROOOOAAARRRRR!

Yu Jin: Hm? Oh, so it was YOU! Come!

Ice giant: GROOOAAAARRRR! **attempts to strike Yu Jin**

Yu Jin: Whoop! Miss! Now! Take this! HYAAAAHHH! **jumps and punches the ice giant's head**

Ice giant: Graaarrr!

Yu Jin: And this! And this! This! THIS! HYAH!

Ice giant: Graarr! Growwrr…. **falls down**

Yu Jin: And now…FOR THE FINISHING! HYAAAAAHHHHH!

Ice giant: GRAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!

Yu Jin: Huff….that was fast. But anyway, you look like you have some potential, so know what, I'm keeping you around to help me later.

Ice giant: **growls**

Yu Jin: **bitchslaps the ice giant**

Ice giant: Graaaarrr!

Yu Jin: I told you, YOU ARE BE UNDER MY COMMAND NOW. If you disobey, I'll give you punishment twice as worse than this. YOU UNDERSTAND?

Ice giant: **growls weakly**

Yu Jin: **puts the leash around the ice giant** Good. Now let's go.

Ice giant: Graarr.

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Yu Jin: ….and after that I just happened to hear a scream coming from this forest, so I hurried to see where it came from, and there I found you guys.

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Cao Cao: Err….okay…well, this ice giant is certainly a big help to us-

Jia Xu: After gaining a pack of wolves and a freaking squirrel dance group…

Cao Cao: Shut up! Okay, in that case, we have to hurry and meet the remaining three: Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu!

Zhang Liao: Ah yes, aren't those three the ones that weren't allowed to enter Yingchuan alongside us in the second challenge? And since they weren't transported here using that stone, they may be not here.

Cao Cao: Regardless, we have to look for them! After all, the sign did say 'you and the eight others', meaning that they must have also read the sign! Come on, let's go!

Everyone: YO!

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

So, as usual, please leave a review and have a good day!


	6. Xiapi Snowland, Part 3

_Chapter 6: Xiapi Snowland, Part 3_

* * *

Cao Cao: ….hm! Look over there! It's the Xiapi Castle!

Jia Xu: Holy shit…how in the hell it can suddenly turn into something like THAT?!

Zhang Liao: I know right…looks like an evil overlord's ice castle.

Jia Xu: You mean like the one Lord Cao Cao made at Tong Gate?

Cao Cao: Ah, no, this is clearly more majestic…and a lot spookier, too.

Zhang He: Let it goooo~ let it goooo~

Jia Xu: Goddamit Zhang He, don't start singing THAT in here!

Zhang He: But why? I was trying to light up the mood-

Jia Xu: Your mood is TRASH, okay! And besides that shit is outdated!

Cao Cao: Okay, okay, that's enough. We need to go.

Everyone: Aye.

 _Later…_

Cao Cao: Hrmf…ah, it turns out that we have to climb this wall to go to the castle.

Zhang Liao: But how?

Yu Jin: We should just use this ice giant as a step-up for us.

Cao Cao: Really? Well, it is the most viable option.

Yu Jin: Okay. Hey!

Ice giant: Grr?

Yu Jin: Come on, get your lazy, cold ass moving over there or I'll give it some heating!

Ice giant: Yikes! Grrrllll….

Yu Jin: Ah, good. Let's go!

 _At the top_

Cao Cao: Hoop! Hmm….huh? Hey, guys….

Everyone: Hm?

Cao Cao: Why…are there three snowmen over there?

Jia Xu: Snowmen? ….huh, weird indeed.

Zhang Liao: Something tells me those are no ordinary snowmen….

Jia Xu: You think so?

Zhang Liao: Yeah, I mean…what the hell are three snowmen doing in a place like these? There's no way someone would randomly make three and leave it like that…

Yue Jin: 'Someone'? We six are the only ones here right? Oh! Which means…

Zhang He: …Guo Jia, Xu Shu, and Xun Yu! RIGHT! Those three were here and built these snowmen!

Jia Xu: But why would they though? Maybe to guide us? Hmm…

Cao Cao: Well, whatever it is, we need to check it to see anything helpful. Hmm… **touches a snowman**

Snowman (?): Hm?! MMM! M MM MM!

Cao Cao: Eh?! WHOA!

Everyone: AH!

Yu Jin: Lord Cao Cao, what is it?

Cao Cao: That…that snowmen was talking to me!

Jia Xu: Talking! Tch, let me see….

Snowman (?): MM MM! M M MM M MMM!

Jia Xu: WHOA! He's right!

Zhang Liao: What did it say?

Jia Xu: I don't know…it was more like mumbling…AH! Wait a minute! That means someone's trapped within these snowmen!

Cao Cao: Trapped within snowmen? That's kinda weird…

Jia Xu: I know…we have to find a way to melt these…

Yu Jin: I'm on it. **releases a fireball upon the snowmen** HYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

 _Later, it turns out that the three people trapped in the snowmen were actually Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu, who later ran around panicking due to being on fire._

Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu: WAAAAHHHHH! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOTHOTHOTHOTHOTHOT! WAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Everyone: WHAT THE?!

* * *

 _Several minutes later_

Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu: **flopping over in the ground to douse the fire** Whew…man!

Cao Cao: So it is you three, after all!

Guo Jia: Hm? Oh, Lord Cao Cao!

Xun Yu: We're so relieved to see you again!

Xu Shu: Yeah, yeah…hehehe…

Cao Cao: Okay, okay, know what, let's skip the formalities. How did you guys come here? And why were you snowmen?

Guo Jia: Oh, right…about that…

* * *

 _Flashback, through Guo Jia, Xun Yu, and Xu Shu POV_

Guo Jia: Oh no…what should we do?! They're gone!

Xun Yu: No way...after that light, they just disappeared?!

Xu Shu: This is bad! Hm, wait! Maybe they've already gone to the next destination?

Xun Yu: But they're gone! We can never know for sure!

Guo Jia: Despite that, Xu Shu's got a point…okay, now what, let's exit Yingchuan and try to see if there's anything helpful!

Xun Yu and Xu Shu: Okay!

* * *

 _Outside of Yingchuan…_

Guo Jia: Pant, pant, pant…

Xu Shu: Huff…ah, turns out I'm right! That's the sign!

Xun Yu and Guo Jia: Really?

Guo Jia: Hmmm…"Now, for all the Yingchuan natives, since the other six have already passed the challenge, now you three can head for the next destination, Xiapi. This is the place where you fought and defeated Lu Bu using flood attack, which thanks to the cold weather has caused the entire city to be covered in ice. Later, reunite with the others and head towards the Xiapi castle to defeat Lu Bu. Good luck."

Xun Yu: Xiapi? Covered in snow?

Xu Shu: Hmm…uh-oh. Guys.

Xun Yu and Guo Jia: What?

Xu Shu: Xiapi is…over there, right? **points towards the Xiapi ice castle**

Guo Jia: Hmm…WHOA! What…what the hell is that?! I certainly don't remember that back when we fought Lu Bu!

Xun Yu: Well, the sign did say that now the entire city is covered in ice…but it also caused the castle to turn like THAT?

Xu Shu: Gah, now I'm scared…

Xun Yu: I know. Shit, who knows if we later suddenly get a certain ice queen singing-

Xu Shu: AAAHHHH! NO! NOT THAT! WAAAHHH!

Guo Jia: Ice queen? You mean like Wang Yi in her Fairytale DLC?

Xun Yu: Sorta…except million times worse. And…Xu Shu?

Xu Shu: Hwaaaahhhh…no! No no no no NO! I ask anything but that! ANYTHING but THAT! WAAHHH!

Xun Yu: What the… **sweatdrop**

Guo Jia: You know, you can't exactly blame him.

Xun Yu: I know, but…

Guo Jia: Okay, you know what, let's just skip this useless chitchat. Let's go to Xiapi, or we won't be able to save Cai Wenji! Hurry!

Xun Yu: Okay, okay!

* * *

 _Later, at Xiapi…_

Guo Jia: Oh, BRRR! Man…it's so cold here!

Xun Yu: It IS snowing, idiot. What do you expect?

Guo Jia: I know! But, brrr….you or Xu Shu don't seem to be cold one bit.

Xu Shu: Heh, luckily for me I have a warming hood, hahaha.

Xun Yu: And hey, it's your fault anyway for exposing your chest like that. What are you, an exhibitionist?

Guo Jia: Haha, well, sorta…hey, this is vital for attracting the ladies!

Xun Yu: Sigh, whatever you say. Hard to believe you obey your dick more than basic logic.

Xu Shu: Hm? Hey guys, look!

Guo Jia: Hm? The castle! Well gee, this is surely very spooky, alright…

Xun Yu: I know right. I mean, imagine what could be living inside THAT…

Guo Jia: A sort of an icy evil overlord? Haha. Oh wait, that's kinda who our lord is. Hmf.

Xun Yu: Except that he's more 'overlord' than 'evil'.

Xu Shu: D…d-do you guys think we should enter it?

Guo Jia: Of course! The other guys must have also read the sign and head here as well, so we have to head there first so that they won't be confused!

Xun Yu: You think so? Hmf, alright.

Xu Shu: G-g-guys, please guys, I think we should wait for the others first.

Guo Jia: Oh, for the love of Nuwa! What is exactly are you afraid of?!

Xu Shu: I mean, just look at it! I don't think we can stand a chance against…anything…that came out without the help of others!

Guo Jia: Fucking god, where did you learn to become such a pussy?! Look, we WILL win against anything that might come out, even if it's a freaking yeti! You understand, little bitch?

Xu Shu: Aaaahh! Uh, um…a-alright…

Guo Jia: Good! Geez…never thought that Yingchuan could produce such a spineless sissy…

Xun Yu: …and a brainless boner, as well.

Guo Jia: Goddammit.

* * *

 _Later…_

Guo Jia: WHOO! Okay, now…hm?!

Xun Yu: What is it?

Guo Jia: Look up there. There's something glowing up there…

Xun Yu: Really? Hm. Mysterious.

Guo Jia: I suppose I should go to check it.

Xu Shu: Hm? Whoa, whoa, Guo Jia, you sure?

Guo Jia: Well, hell yes I'm sure! Why did you object?

Xu Shu: I mean, I'm afraid if it's actually something like-

Guo Jia: Oh, for the love of Orochi, Xu Shu, your constant worrying is obnoxious! Sometimes I wonder if you can even go through a single day without worrying if someone put a bomb on your toilet! Just let me go and do my job, dammit!

Xu Shu: **stands frozen**

Guo Jia: Okay, just wait up here. **goes up**

Xu Shu: **continues standing frozen**

Xun Yu: Uh, umm…Xu Shu? You alright?

Xu Shu: ….eh, umm…Xun Yu?

Xun Yu: What?

Xu Shu: No one…would put a bomb on my toilet…right?

Xun Yu: Good god. **facepalm**

 _On the top_

Guo Jia: HOOP! Gasp! Whoa…what's that?

The source of light came from an ornamented stone, similar to the one they received after passing the first challenge.

Guo Jia: Whoa…oh right, the second artifact! Good, we'll need this later. **hops down**

 _Back at the bottom_

Guo Jia: WHOOP! Hey, guys!

Xun Yu and Xu Shu: Hm?

Guo Jia: Look at this!

Xun Yu: What? Wait, it's the second artifact, right?

Guo Jia: Yeah, of course! Gee, it certainly looks great, alright! **rubs the stone**

Xu Shu: Huh? Hey, don't rub it!

Guo Jia: Why can't I?!

Xu Shu: Because, I'm afraid it might-

Guo Jia: Oh really? Well I'm afraid you won't shut the fucking hell up everytime I do something!

Xu Shu: That's not my point-

Suddenly, the stone flashed brightly.

Everyone: WHOAAAAAAAA!

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Guo Jia: ….and the next thing we know is that we turned into these snowmen. Then you came along and melted us.

Cao Cao: ….huh. I see. Let me look at the artifact.

Guo Jia: Here.

Cao Cao: Hmm…so, from your experience, it seems that this artifact has the ability to turn you into a snowman?

Jia Xu: Sorta lame, if I say.

Zhang Liao: Not so. I mean, you SAW what it did to those three, right? The snow as so strong that they couldn't even break free.

Jia Xu: …huh. You got a point.

Cao Cao: Well! Now that we're all complete, all we have to do now is to march onto the castle to defeat our final adversary and move on to the next area. Let's go!

Everyone: AYE!

 _At the castle steps…_

Cao Cao: …hm! The castle is up there! Let's go!

Jia Xu: What the…my lord, are you serious?

Cao Cao: What?

Jia Xu: I mean…look at the steps! It's gonna take forever to get to the castle with this many steps!

Cao Cao: Really? Hmm…maybe we can use the ice giant again? Yu Jin!

Yu Jin: I'm on it! Hey, you!

Ice giant: Hrm?

Yu Jin: Go up the steps.

Ice giant: Grrrlll…. **steps a bit, which caused the steps to crumble**

Everyone: **widens eyes**

Cao Cao: ….oookkkkaaayyy….

Jia Xu: Well, that means the ice giant can't come with us, lest he destroys the entire steps.

Yu Jin: Hmph, fine then. Hey, you!

Ice giant: Grl?

Yu Jin: Listen, you have to stay and wait here until we finishes dealing with our enemy up there. If you dare to disobey….

Ice giant: Arl! Grl! Grl! Grl!

Yu Jin: Good. Well…in that case we have no choice.

Jia Xu: My goodness…I think I'm gonna die…

Guo Jia: You're not alone…gods, if you think you're gonna die, I think I'm gonna die earlier than you.

Xun Yu: That's because your boner is bigger than your intelligence.

Guo Jia: Will you stop bringing that up?!

Cao Cao: Alright, alright, that's it. It may be tiring, but we have to go through it! Remember, all of this are a test to see if we're worthy of Cai Wenji's love! If we can't pass, then our worth as a men is non-existent! WE WILL CONQUER WHATEVER THE KIDNAPPER WILL THROW AT US! YOOOOOO!

Everyone: ….

Xun Yu: ….my lord, please don't be too fiery. You'll melt the snow.

Cao Cao: Ah, my bad. Well, my point is, DON'T BE A LAZY ASS! GO UP AND GET MOVING!

Everyone: YOOOOO!

* * *

 _Later…._

Cao Cao: …..wooh! Man, what a climb!

Jia Xu: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! My fucking god…I think I'm gonna die…

Guo Jia: Me too. Shit….

Xun Yu: Aaaahhh…..I'm exhausted too….fuck….

Xu Shu: **immediately faints**

Zhang Liao: You advisers are a spineless bunch, indeed.

Jia Xu: Not our fault, tough guy! Gah…

Cao Cao: …hm. This castle is quite….ah….

Zhang Liao: Menacing?

Cao Cao: Well, I was gonna say 'terrifying as shit', but I suppose that term could work. Well, then…how are we gonna open the door?

Yu Jin: Hmm…hey, there's some sort of a lock here.

Zhang Liao: Maybe we're supposed to insert some sort of a keystone in it?

Cao Cao: Keystone….hey, wait! ….maybe we could use this artifact Guo Jia found?

Zhang Liao: You sure?

Cao Cao: Of course! Look, the shapes match. Okay, I'll just have to put it in here, and…WHOA!

 _The lock shined brightly, and the massive door opened._

Cao Cao: ….whoa….

Zhang Liao: That DID work, after all!

Cao Cao: Haha, of course! What do you expect from the Hero of Chaos, heh? Okay, **takes the artifact from the lock** Let's enter!

* * *

 _Inside the ice castle_

Yue Jin: Whoa….man…this is…this is cool! Ehm, no pun intended.

Zhang Liao: I know. The inside of this ice castle is very majestic, indeed.

Jia Xu: Really…this is clearly not the same Xiapi Castle we once fought for back then…

Cao Cao: …hm? Hey, look at that! **points at the throne inside the room** There's something in there!

Guo Jia: What?

Cao Cao: Hmm…oh! It seems to be the third artifact! **walks to take it**

Xun Yu: Huh?! My lord, don't take it! Everytime you see an important plot point being put so openly to take, it's usually a trap! Don't take it!

Cao Cao: Gah, nonsense! I mean, what are we gonna do aside from taking it?! And besides, you say, 'usually', right? **takes the artifact anyway**

 _However, suddenly a halberd fell from the sky, which very nearly hit Cao Cao's hand. When he's still shocked, a magical wall suddenly appeared around the throne, which prevented anyone from taking the third artifact. After that, the entrance door is locked down with chains, and the entire room began to glow red._

Cao Cao: W…w-what's happening?!

Xun Yu: Sigh…told you.

 _ **"So….you Wei buffoons have finally appeared, at last!"**_

Everyone: G-gasp!

 _ **"Heh…I know that all of you are here due to a mission…unfortunately, your quest will end here!"**_

 _ **To Be Continued…**_

* * *

Well, that's it. Please leave a review and have a good day!


	7. Final Battle at Xiapi

_Chapter 7: Final Battle at Xiapi_

* * *

Cao Cao: W-what the….who, WHO'S THERE?!

 _ **"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU FOOLS! I SHALL CRUSH YOU!"**_

Guo Jia: AAAHHH! Hey, wait a minute….that laugh!

Jia Xu: Aw shit, it's HIM?!

Xun Yu: Seems impossible, but given what we've been through…

 _ **"ENOUGH! ALL OF YOU PESTS SHALL BOW DOWN TO ME!"**_

 _Then, a menacing red shadow appeared behind the throne._

Cao Cao: T-tch, come, YOU! I bet that you really are nothing more than a pipsqueak! B-b-bring it ON!

 _ **"HAH! THAT'S ENOUGH TALK FOR YOU!"**_

 _Then, the red shadow walked to reveal itself to the nine, with a very loud sound and a quake coming from each step._

Guo Jia: G-GAAAHHH! WHAT IS THAAAATTT?! No no no no NO! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIEEEEEE! I STILL WANT TO DRINK AND BANG SOME MORE-

Jia Xu: TO HELL WITH YOUR DRINKING AND BONER, OKAY!

Zhang He: AAAAHHHHH! I-i-i-i-it's LU BU?! **hugs Zhang Liao**

Zhang Liao: GAH! Get off me!

Yue Jin: AAAAHHH! LU BU?! NOOOO! I DON'T WANNA BEAT HALF-DEAD BY HIM AGAIN! WAAAAHHHHH! **hugs Zhang Liao too**

Zhang Liao: Oh, fuck it…

Yu Jin: Lu Bu or not, we'll beat its ass!

 _ **"WAHAHAHAHAHA! NOW, BEHOLD MY GRAND, MIGHTY FORM!"**_

…

Cao Cao: ….huh? Where is it?

Zhang Liao: Uhh…so?

Yu Jin: Hmph! Just as I thought, it's all talk and no action!

Guo Jia: ….what? So….

Jia Xu: Hmm…there might be some possibility that we were only seeing some sort of illusion.

Xun Yu: But….that's weird!

Jia Xu: Well, this ENTIRE THING is weird, whaddaya expect?

 _"Hey! Why are you common fools not noticing me?!"_

Suddenly the nine heard a very high-pitched voice, and when they looked down to the source….

Cao Cao: …what the hell?!

 _….it turns out that the so-called "final boss" is really an adorable squirrel dressed up in Lu Bu's clothes._

Everyone: …..psrt….hmgkf…krh….kkkh…..

Final Boss: ….hey! Don't disrespect me or I'll crush you!

Everyone: ….prrrrt…..GWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! GYAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAA! KAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAAAAAAA!

Cao Cao: Gwahaha, oh my….GOOODDDD! SERIOUSLY?! I mean, REALLY?! I know I wasn't serious about you being a pipsqueak and all, but LORD!

Yue Jin: HWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! I mean, WOW! Looks like I won't have to worry about being near-death, eh?

Zhang He: What an adorable little critter you are! I promise I'll take good care of you!

Final Boss: WHAT! How dare you pests speak so lowly of me! I shall crush you! HYAAAHH! **jumps to attempt to strike the nine**

Xun Yu: WHOO! O-ow, watch out! Usually these critters turn out to still have immense strength to knock use out!

Jia Xu: You think so?

Guo Jia: Yeah! It ALWAYS happens!

Final Boss: TAAAKKKEEEE THIIIISSSS! **lightly bounces off Cao Cao**

Everyone: …BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Final Boss: Tch, GAH! Don't be happy just yet! I can still beat you! AH!

Cao Cao: **picks the Final Boss up** My, my…but really though, just what we actually have here? Some critter dressing up and pretending as Lu Bu?

Xun Yu: Seems so, sir. But given the things it did before it stepped out to reveal itself, I doubt it is purely aesthetic…

Jia Xu: Really? Maybe its true Lu Bu-esque power will reveal itself if we press some sort of trigger?

Xun Yu: Possibly. WHAT that trigger exactly is, we don't know. One wrong move and we're all dead…

Guo Jia: Hmm…ah, you know what, that doesn't even matter! We really only need to kill this critter and-

Jia Xu: You idiot! We infact need to CAREFULLY look for the RIGHT way to kill this critter. Because as said before, if we use the wrong way, there's a chance its Lu Bu powerup will activate and, well, we're fucked!

Cao Cao: Well, if we kill this thing FAST and HARD enough, I suppose we'll give no chance for it's Lu Bu powerup to activate.

Final Boss: Grrrhhh! CHOMP!

Cao Cao: AH! AWH! MY HAND!

Final Boss: That's enough! I'm gonna show you my true power! HYAAAHHH!

 _A red vortex appeared swirling around the Final Boss._

Cao Cao: W-what?! Oh shit, it seems NOW it's getting serious!

Zhang Liao: Fucking great.

 _….only for the Final Boss to remain the Lu Bu-costumed critter he is._

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Cao Cao: …really? You know what, at this point I don't think that our challenge is even 'real'.

Guo Jia: But Cai Wenji's gone! That means it's gotta be real!

Jia Xu: You don't seem to realize his actual point here….

Final Boss: HRAH! THAT'S IT! **punches Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: Haha, that's cu- **gets knocked out**

Everyone: **widens eyes** AAAAHHHHH! LORD CAO CAO?!

Yu Jin: GAH! Lord Cao Cao, you alright?!

Cao Cao: ….ehhhh…grrrrkkhhhhlll….

Yue Jin: Oh, SHIT! Looks like it's just like me last time!

Final Boss: HYAAHHH! NOW YOU SHALL BE NEXT!

Everyone: AAAAHHHH!

Yue Jin: Gah…seriously! How can we stand a chance against it?!

Guo Jia: T-try stomping at it!

Yu Jin: I'm on it! **steps on the Final Boss, causing a blood splatter on the ground**

Everyone: …..

Yu Jin …hm?!

 _Suddenly, a red light flashed from beneath Yu Jin's foot, and when he lifted it, a massive red vortex appeared._

Everyone: W….WHAAA?!

 _When the red vortex subsided, it reveals that the Final Boss has turned into Lu Bu in his Fury Form._

Everyone: **widens eyes**

Fury Form Lu Bu: Grrrr…..

Everyone: Gulp. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Fury Form Lu Bu: GRAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! **lifts crossed pike**

Everyone: KYAAAHH!

Guo Jia: Shit, shit, SHIIIITTTTT! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!

Jia Xu: S-shit! Try to hit him!

Zhang Liao: Okay! HYAH!

Fury Form Lu Bu: …..

Zhang Liao: ….fuck. AAAAHHHH!

Fury Form Lu Bu: GRAAAAHHHH! OKAY! THAT'S IT YOU VERMINS! I SHALL CRUSH ALL OF YOU! HRWAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Everyone: AAAAHHHH!

 _Then, Fury Form Lu Bu unleashed a massive blast of red energy that caused the ice castle to crumble._

Everyone: WAAAAHHHHH!

Yue Jin: WAAAAHHH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONA DIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE-

Zhang Liao: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Gah, this is bad!

Jia Xu: You don't say! Seriously, is there any way we can beat this guy?!

Xun Yu: Eh, wait…..OH! The artifact!

Guo Jia: Ah yes, that's right! Where it is?!

Zhang Liao: Ehm, Lord Cao Cao has it the last time, I believe!

Guo Jia: Ah, great! HEY! Lord Cao Cao!

Cao Cao: …eh?! Um, what? Where am I? Who am I? Where are my precious booti-

Guo Jia: My lord, this is not the time to talk about your harem! We need the artifact!

Cao Cao: Artifact? For wha- **notices the Fury Form Lu Bu** …..the hell?!

Fury Form Lu Bu: GRWAAAAHHHH! **strikes Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: **barely avoids the attack** AAAAHHHHH!

Guo Jia: Where is it?!

Cao Cao: Eh?! Um….oh, SHIT! IT'S GONE!

Jia Xu: What do you mean it's gone?!

Cao Cao: IT'S GONE! I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!

Guo Jia: THE FUCK!

Fury Form Lu Bu: Hey, pssstt…. **taps on Cao Cao's shoulder**

Cao Cao: AH?!

Fury Form Lu Bu: Looking for this? **shows the artifact**

Everyone: **widens eyes**

Cao Cao: ….what the….

Guo Jia: ….how…

Yue Jin: ….is that….

Zhang He: EVEN POSSIBLE?! **gets smacked** AH!

Zhang Liao: Dammit Zhang He, not in my ears!

Fury Form Lu Bu: Hehehehehe….now, since you're unable to win against me without this…. **crushes the artifact in his hand**

Everyone: WAAAAAAA-! **jawdrop**

Fury Form Lu Bu: Hwahahahahahahaha…..

Cao Cao: ….no….NOOOOO!

Everyone: GRKH!

Cao Cao: Shit…..SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?! We're now unable to advance and save Cai Wenji…NO! WE'VE FAILED IN OUR MISSION! HWAAAAHHH!

Fury Form Lu Bu: Hmhmhmhmh…mwehehehehehehehe….WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! Now, since all fo you are completely helpless, I now shall- huh?!

 _Suddenly, a bright blue light flashed from inside of Fury Form Lu Bu's palm._

Fury Form Lu Bu: Wha….what is this?!

Jia Xu: Huh….oh shit! Could it be?!

Fury Form Lu Bu: No….THIS CAN'T BE! WAH! WAAAAHHHHH!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 _A swirling blue vortex appeared around Fury Form Lu Bu, and when it subsides…_

Everyone: …

 _It turns out that the Fury Form Lu Bu has turned into a giant Lu Bu snowman._

Everyone: ….prkgst, what….pfffttt….

Jia Xu: Just as I had already expected….

Cao Cao: Pffftt….BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh man, A LU BU SNOWMAN?! Oh god…SERIOUSLY! Those long ass feathers hanging down from a snowman….HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Zhang Liao: Whoa! What….what happened?! What caused this?

Xun Yu: Ehm…it just seemed that crushing that artifact in his palm had caused it's power to activate, causing it to turn into a snowman…

Xu Shu: You know, like me, Guo Jia, and Xun Yu earlier….

Yue Jin: **goes up and pokes the Lu Bu snowman**

Lu Bu Snowman: GRRR!

Yue Jin: AAAHHH! It's still alive!

Cao Cao: Really? Ah, I think it can't do harm, so no need to worry.

Jia Xu: …you sure about that?

Cao Cao: I'm sure! Unless if someone is idiot enough to melt it, we'll be fine. Still, I wonder if there's some way I can bring it home. Might be amusing. Haha!

Xun Yu: Hm? Hey, look! The back entrance's open!

Cao Cao: Really? Well, this must've meant that we've successfully passed through the challenge! Let's go!

Everyone: YO!

* * *

 _Outside of the Xiapi Castle_

Cao Cao: WHOO! Man, FINALLY! I'm able to get myself out of that cold hell!

Jia Xu: Now we must look for the next sign…

Yue Jin: Hm? Wait, there is!

Cao Cao: Oh, right! Hmm, okay, let's see…"I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that all of nine have survived through the cold weather in Xiapi and passed the third challenge! Congratulations! Now, what you should do is to go straight to Guangling and wait for my instructions. Good luck."

Zhang Liao: Jiangling? Ah shit, bad memories…

Cao Cao: Well! You guys heard it! Let's march off onto Guangling! GO!

Everyone: YO!

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

A mysterious place at Chibi

Cai Wenji: ….ngh….what….

?: Oh, NOW you're awake!

Cai Wenji: What the….AH! W-w-what are these explosives?!

?: Ah, you better be careful. I'm not intending to detonate it at the moment.

Cai Wenji: What the…who, who are you?! Why did you do this?!

?: Hm? Well…it's not important to know who I am. And well, I did this so that I can see the…conviction your Wei friends really have to rescue you.

Cai Wenji: Huh? What do you mean?

?: Hahahaha…well, admit it, they all care about you, yes, but I'd just like to see whether they will go through all kinds of hardships to rescue a single lady…oh, and their baby you're currently holding inside your stomach.

Cai Wenji: What the…you bastard!

?: Hahahahaha! Well, I'd better go now to check their progress. It's alright…if you don't do anything funny, I won't hurt you. Well, given your space, I doubt you could even move at all! HAHA!

Cai Wenji: WHAT?! Huff…no! What, what should I do?! Hrmph…well, he did say that the father of this baby I'm holding is the one who will rescue me…but who? Hrmf, I suppose any guy is fine, really, but of course except for Dong Zhuo…. **shudder**

* * *

Yo! So, I'm very sorry for not being to upload yesterday, there was a power outage for a very long time and a bit of writer's block, but I'm now able to complete this today nonetheless! :D As always, please leave a review and have a good day!


	8. Across the Great River

_Chapter 8: Across the Great River_

* * *

 _Note: Okay, I'm very sorry, but on the previous chapter I mistyped GUANGling as JIANGling, I'm very sorry. They won't go to JIANGling, but GUANGling. Seriously, can't believe I made that mistake D: so anyway, they're going toward GUANGling, not JIANGling. Understand? Good, let's move on._

* * *

 _On the way towards Guangling…_

Zhang Liao: ….hey.

Everyone: Hm?

Zhang Liao: Okay, we've gone so far here, and yet one question remains…who could have possibly kidnapped Cai Wenji, anyway?

Everyone: Hmm…

Xun Yu: Hmm…ah, I have multiple theories on that.

Jia Xu: What?

Xun Yu: I think, the first candidate would be Dong Zhuo.

Guo Jia: Dong Zhuo?! Ew, that's gross.

Xun Yu: Well, he IS gross. Since she was formerly in his vicinity before joining us in Wei, it's very possible he attempted to reclaim her.

Jia Xu: But if that's the case, why would he put up a challenge for us to rescue her? He would NEVER do that.

Xun Yu: Oh, yeah, right. Well, that brings up the second candidate: Liu Bei or Sun Quan.

Yue Jin: Eh? Why would they do that?

Xun Yu: Well, I know it sounds crazy, but it could be very possible that they are the one who kidnapped Cai Wenji in order to hold her hostage, and then give this quest to us to lure us so that they can capture us, or Lord Cao Cao.

Cao Cao: What! How dare they to use such delicate woman for such cruel purpose like that!

Xun Yu: Yes, I know. But then again, it's a mere possibility. We don't know who the actual kidnapper is.

Cao Cao: Hrmf…fine. Whoever the kidnapper is, we all have to focus on our utmost priority: to save Cai Wenji!

Zhang Liao: Oh yeah, about that…which of us impregnated her, again?

Everyone: … **shrug**

Xun Yu: ….it's still a mystery.

Jia Xu: Yeah. None of us ever slept with her, and yet…

Guo Jia: …the kidnapper said that one of us is the father. But no one is willing to admit it!

Yue Jin: Could it be a mere trick on the kidnapper's part? I mean, who knows if he actually lied about it?

Cao Cao: Well, all of this is still a mystery, but we have to prioritize rescuing her first.

Everyone: Aye.

* * *

 _Later…_

Cao Cao: ….hm! Well, here it is! The Great River. Guangling is on the other side.

Zhang Liao: Ah, shit, here we go again…

Yue Jin: Huh, you said something about 'bad memories' in this area. Why?

Zhang Liao: That's because this is the place where I died! Even then, not in a beautiful way…goddamn Ding Feng…good think I already have Hu and 4 others…god, now I can practically FEEL that arrow in my crotch…

Yue Jin: Ouch.

Jia Xu: Sigh…I have already tried to tell Cao Pi NOT to attack, yet he went anyway…seriously…like father, like son.

Cao Cao: The hell do you mean?!

Jia Xu: Oh, you know, the last time you tried to attack using fleet-

Cao Cao: GAH! NO! DON'T SAY THAT AGAIN!

Jia Xu: YIKES!

Cao Cao: Huff…anyway, speaking of Cao Pi, I wonder how he's managing things at home…

* * *

 _At Wei…_

 _Everyone is partying all day, ruining the palace in the process._

Cao Pi: **drunk** WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! WHOOOOOOOHHHH!

* * *

 _Back at the Great River…_

Cao Cao: Hmm…nah, he'll take care of everything well. Now, we must check the sign…oh! There it is! Hmm…"Now, all of you shall go through the fourth challenge. Hop on the Dragon Ship and cross through the Great River to go to Hefei. Good luck."

Yue Jin: Hm? That's it? Hop on the ship and go to Hefei?

Zhang Liao: Eh…no. I'm pretty sure there must be a lot of messy obstacles we have to face throughout the way…

Xun Yu: I think you're about right. Whatever it may be, we definitely have to be careful.

Cao Cao: Hmhm…okay! Now, about the ship….WHOA! Damn, that's one big-ass and extravagant ship!

Yue Jin: Whoa…hot damn! We could have easily won against Wu using THIS!

Jia Xu: Well, the question is whether it could withstand fire or not…

Cao Cao: Okay, that's enough chattering. Let's hop in! OOP!

Everyone: YAH!

Cao Cao: Alright! Now, Yu Jin! You shall take control!

Yu Jin: Aye, sir!

Yue Jin: Hngkh…prrrtt…

Zhang Liao: Hey, why are you laughing?

Yue Jin: No, it's just…you know…Eugene Yu Jin…

Zhang Liao: ….oh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yu Jin: HEY! Why are you laughing?!

Zhang Liao: GLKH! Eh, no, NO!

Yu Jin: Do you object to me taking control here?!

Zhang Liao: No, no, NO!

Yu Jin: Ah, good. Otherwise I would have thrown you into the river.

Zhang Liao: Gah, not the river…grrr…damn you Yue Jin!

Yue Jin: Eh? What? It was you who laughed, after all, not me.

Zhang Liao: But still-

Yu Jin: OKAY! ALL ABOARD!

 _And then, the Dragon Ship starts sailing through The Great River._

Cao Cao: Hmm, everything seems fine, so far. Anything weird, Eugene Yu Jin?

Yu Jin: Stop calling me that! Anyway, nothing suspicious is up ahead.

Cao Cao: Ah, good.

Jia Xu: Hmm…is it just me or that those ambush archers will suddenly pop up anytime soon?

Guo Jia: What do you mean?

Jia Xu: I mean, look at it. The walls on the either side are a bit foggy…it's never a good sign.

Guo Jia: Ah, you're worrying a bit too-

Suddenly, an arrow flew at Guo Jia. Luckily enough, Jia Xu was fast enough to duck Guo Jia to avoid the arrow.

Jia Xu: What?! OY, DUCK!

Guo Jia: What?! AH!

 _The arrow flew past Guo Jia and went straight into the water._

Jia Xu: Huff…man, that was close!

Guo Jia: Ouch…that fucking hurt, you know?! What's your problem?!

Jia Xu: You didn't notice?! That arrow was flying right at you!

Guo Jia: What arrow?

Jia Xu: Eh, umm…oh, goddammit! Where did it go?! Eh, um, it went into the water!

Guo Jia: Water? Seriously, you think that the archer was a Stormtrooper or something?

Jia Xu: But-

Guo Jia: Enough of your mindless paranoia, okay. We ALL know that you're overly paranoid.

Jia Xu: BUT- ehm…hey, Lord Cao Cao!

Cao Cao: What?

Jia Xu: Lord Cao Cao, we have to be careful. There are ambush archers hiding up there!

Cao Cao: Huh? Is that so?

Jia Xu: Yeah! One of them tried to target Guo Jia!

Cao Cao: Guo Jia? Hey, Guo Jia! Tell me, is that true?

Guo Jia: No, sir! He was hallucinating!

Jia Xu: The fuck-

Guo Jia: See, this is what you get for smoking too much weed.

Jia Xu: I don't smoke-

Just suddenly, another arrow targeted Cao Cao.

Jia Xu: Glk! MY LORD!

Cao Cao: AH?! **turns around to see the arrow**

Jia Xu: **throws himself to Cao Cao to defend him from the arrow** Whew…that was close!

Cao Cao: Ouch…what was that?!

Jia Xu: See! That arrow was flying right at you!

Cao Cao: Oh, right…well, good thing your interference didn't turn me into Dunny 2.0.

Just after that, suddenly a volley of arrows rained down the Dragon Ship.

Everyone: ACK!

Cao Cao: Gah, a volley of arrows! Everyone, TAKE COVER!

Everyone: AAAAHHHHH! **runs around like maniacs**

Cao Cao: I SAID TAKE COVER, NOT RUN AROUND LIKE MANIACS!

Everyone: ….oh. **takes cover**

Cao Cao: Alright. Tch, Yu Jin! You see anything ahead?!

Yu Jin: Ngh…no! My…lord! But, emh….what?!

Cao Cao: What is it?!

Yu Jin: Sir, there are rocks up ahead!

Cao Cao: Rocks?! Oh, dammit! Just when you think it couldn't get worse….

Yu Jin: ….sir! There's also a waterfall up ahead!

Cao Cao: …yeah. Okay, everyone! We're gonna have a rough time ahead! Brace yourself!

Everyone: AAAHHH!

Yue Jin: Wha, what is it?! After this arrow rain…

Jia Xu: Apparently after we're going through the rocks, we're gonna up against a waterfall.

Guo Jia: Aw, shit.

Yu Jin: Glkh! Okay, here goes!

 _After the arrow rain stops, the Dragon Ship then comes across the obstacles of rocks._

Yu Jin: Tch! Okay, brace yourselves! HYAH! **does a sharp turn**

Everyone: AAAAHHHH! **gets thrown on the other side of the ship**

Yu Jin: Gah, is everyone alright?!

Everyone: We're…alright!

Yu Jin: Good. Tch, I might broke some part or two back then…whoop, HERE COMES! HYAH! **does a sharp turn again**

Everyone: KYAAAAHHH!

Yu Jin: Tch! Argh, looks like the rear of the ship is broken.

Everyone: Huff…huff…

Yu Jin: ….oh well, here comes the grand finale! EVERYONE, HOLD TIGHT!

Everyone: Aaah!

Yu Jin: Hrmf…okay. BRING IT OOOOONNNN!

 _Then the Dragon Ship goes down a waterfall._

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Yu Jin: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

.

.

.

Everyone: Huff, huff, huff…

Yue Jin: …aaaggkkhhh….whew…I actually…I actually almost fell out the ship!

Zhang Liao: That's because you're so bloody small.

Yue Jin: Hey!

Guo Jia: Ergh, ermh…gah, I have the same feeling as when I'm drunk…but only worse…

Jia Xu: Goodness…ergh…I wanna puke…

Zhang He: **throws up**

Xu Shu: **curls up in the corner of the ship**

Yu Jin: Pant, pant….is…everyone….alright?

Xun Yu: Not exactly. But at least there's no significant damage…

Yu Jin: ….good. Huff…okay, going on.

Cao Cao: Owh…WHOAAAA! Man, that was frightening…yet sorta thrilling…hm, it might be good to try that again once we're finished saving Cai Wenji-

Jia Xu: My lord. Please…please don't.

Cao Cao: Oh.

Yu Jin: Huff…okay. Hmm…it seems that the stream down here is going faster. You have to hold tight.

Everyone: Aye.

* * *

 _Later…_

Xu Shu: …hey guys.

Everyone: Uh?

Xu Shu: Is it just me, or…I smell like something's…burning?

Cao Cao: Burning? Now that's weird, since there's no fire around here…unless…. **widens eyes** oh no.

Everyone: What?

Cao Cao: No, it can't be! Everyone, look around and look out for fire archers!

Everyone: Fire archers?

Cao Cao: Yes! You don't wanna Chibi to be repeated, don't you?! Xu Shu says that there's a smell of fire…we must definitely be careful.

* * *

 _Later…_

Yu Jin: …sir, it seems that the stream is going even faster.

Cao Cao: Really? Well, that's good. It's bringing us closer to our destination, and away from those fire archers as well.

Yu Jin: Yes, that's true. But…

Cao Cao: But what?

Yu Jin: …sir, I'm seeing a suspicious red light ahead.

Cao Cao: A red light?

Yu Jin: Yes. And it's getting stronger…

 _When the Dragon Ship comes close though, it turns out that what's ahead of them is a giant ballista loaded with countless fire arrows, which then starts to fire at the nine._

Everyone: **widens eyes** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cao Cao: WHAT THE FU-

Everyone: **runs frantically while trying to avoid the fire arrows** AAHHH! AH! AH! OWH! AH! AAAHHH!

Yue Jin: AAAAHHH! NO! MY HEADBAND'S ON FIREEEEEEE! AAAHHHH! **runs at light speed across the ship**

Zhang Liao: GAAAHHH! MY MOUSTACHE! MY GLORIOUS MOUSTACHE! GAAAAAHHHH! **a fire arrow strikes his balls** GRWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Zhang He: AAAAHHH! YOU OKAY?!

Zhang Liao: I'M NOT! Aaarghhh….good lord, I don't wanna be Zhang He! AND MY BALLS! MY BALLS ARE ON FIREEEEE!

Guo Jia: HWAAAHHHH! GAH AH AH! OUWAAAAHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: Sigh…you know what, you'd better be grateful that you're already DEAD by the time we got this from Wu….

Xu Shu: **continues curling up in the corner, miraculously avoiding any arrows**

Cao Cao: GAH! Yu Jin, is there any way to speed up the ship?!

Yu Jin: I DON'T KNOW!

Cao Cao: Really?! Seriously, there gotta be some way…oh! A lever!

Yu Jin: A lever?!

Cao Cao: Yeah! Hmmm…'Pull in the case of re-enactment of a bad memory'…okay, I don't quite understand what that means, but this is already a bad memory enough, alright! **pulls the lever**

Yu Jin: What the- DON'T PULL IT!

 _Suddenly, the Dragon Ship transformed into an enormous robotic dragon, who then proceeded to dive down the water to douse the fire and then go up to fly across the sky._

Everyone: WOOOOOOOAAAAHHHH!

Cao Cao: What the hell….what, what is this thing?!

Yu Jin: As you can see for yourself sir, it's a transforming robotic ship.

Cao Cao: But that, that….THAT'S TOO OVERPOWERED! I mean, HOLY SHIT!

Yue Jin: Yeah…if we have ANYTHING like this, we could've leveled Shu and Wu in mere seconds!

Guo Jia: Whoa…hey! I can see my house from here!

Jia Xu: What? Heh. Hey, that's Wei down there! And that's Shu, Wu, Jin…

Zhang He: This is such a majestic specimen indeed!

Xun Yu: Whoa…hm, maybe we later should try to analyze this Dragon Ship and try to replicate it when we're finally back at home. This would be a deadly weapon.

Cao Cao: Heh, that's a good idea. Unfortunately, doing that would take lots of time. We can't affors to waste any!

Xu Shu: Hm?! AH! **suddenly a bird flies right at his face**

Xun Yu: AKH! You alright?!

Xu Shu: Ah…mostly…

Yu Jin: Hm! Sir, looks like we've reached our destination, Hefei.

Cao Cao: Ah, good. Moving down!

Yu Jin: Yeah. Brace yourselves!

 _Then the Dragon (Air)ship flied back down to the ground._

Everyone: WAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

.

.

.

Cao Cao: Whew…man! What a trip! Okay, hop down everyone! WHOOP!

Everyone: HYAH!

Cao Cao: Whew…okay! Thanks for your help, Dragon.

Dragon Ship: **flies back into the sky**

Cao Cao: Hmm…oh the sign! Let's see…"At this point, I'm truly impressed by your amazing survival skills, or luck. Either way, congratulations on passing the fourth challenge! Now that you're in Hefei, you shall go to the Hefei Fortress, where your fifth challenge awaits. Also, keep in mind that you've already spent an entire day, meaning that now you only have 48 hours to save your damsel in distress. Good luck."

Zhang Liao: Heh…well, this place sure brings memories, eh Yue Jin?

Yue Jin: Yeah! A shame that Li Dian isn't here to reminisce it with us, though.

Cao Cao: Okay! Now that we only have 48 hours to do this, we have no time to waste! Let's go!

Everyone: Yo!

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay! Please leave a review and have a good day!


	9. Escape from Hefei Fortress, Part 1

_Chapter 9: Escape from Hefei Fortress, Part 1_

* * *

Cao Cao: Hmm…WHOA! Holy shit!

Zhang Liao: T-THAT'S the Hefei Fortress?! What the…

Guo Jia: What's this place anyway? It looks awfully like some dungeon crawler or something…

Xun Yu: It's the fortress we built in Hefei, hence the name Hefei Fortress. Wu had attempted to take it several times, but they always failed.

Guo Jia: Huh…well, if the goddamn fortress looks like THIS, who could stand in the way of it?!

Jia Xu: No, actually. The Hefei Fortress I used to know certainly didn't look anything like THIS! Yeah sure, it was strong enough to withhold Wu's attack, but nowhere as massive and spooky as this!

Xu Shu: Then again, maybe it was like the one at Xiapi…

Cao Cao: Well, damn! If we actually had this sort of thing around all the time, we'd be unstoppable! Hah! Oh well, let's check the sign over here at the entrance…hmm…"Now, when you get in, you'll find an entrance. Only one person at a time is allowed to enter it. After that, wait for the next sign for the next instructions." Okay! You heard what it said! Let's go!

* * *

 _Inside Hefei Fortress…_

Cao Cao: Hmm…well, that's the door.

Everyone: …

Guo Jia: …that's…

Jia Xu: Sorta of a creepy entrance, actually.

Xu Shu: …you…you think it's safe…?

Xun Yu: I know right…god, I just can feel some sort of an evil being lurking over there…

Zhang Liao: Safe or not, we need to go to save Cai Wenji.

Yue Jin: But, still…

Cao Cao: …well, it said that only one person is allowed to enter the door at a time. So…I'll go first!

Everyone: Gulp…

Cao Cao: Hmm… **walks in** Gah, it's dark…is there no lights over here? Wait, what's this? AAAAAHHHH!

Everyone: LORD CAO CAOOOOO!

Zhang Liao: WAIT! Only one person can enter at a time…so I'll go first! HYAH! LORD CAO CAO! WHERE ARE YOU?! ARE YOU OKAY?! Huh?! AAAAHHHHH!

Yu Jin: GAH! Okay, I'm next! HYAH! HEY, YOU TWO! WHERE ARE YOU?! WAAAAHHH!

Yue Jin: ARGH! Yu Jin too?! Okay, HERE GOES! AAAAAAHHH!

Everyone: GLKH!

Guo Jia: W-w-w-w-w-what sh-sh-should w-we d-d-do?!

Xu Shu: Waaaahhh! I wanna go hooommmeeee!

Jia Xu: QUIT YOUR WHINING! Okay, look, we may don't know WHAT is waiting in there, but with half of us being possibly snatched away, we just can't let them!

Xun Yu: Then let's go!

Jia Xu: Okay, okay! Now, who goes first, hmm…oy, Zhang He?

Zhang He: W-what?

Jia Xu: **gently pokes Zhang He so that he falls into the entrance**

Zhang He: WAAAAHHHH!

Everyone: GLKH!

Guo Jia: GAH! Jia Xu, why did you do that?!

Jia Xu: **shrugs** Well, he seems to be the one among us who would fall by the slightest of pokes. So I took what I got.

Xun Yu: B-but, he-

Jia Xu: Now, let's listen…ah great, there's no sound coming from him. That means he has successfully joined the others. Anyone next?

Everyone: …

Jia Xu: Hmmm…okay! Xu Shu!

Xu Shu: AAAHHH! NO! NO! NOT MEEEEE!

Jia Xu: **drags Xu Shu** Ah, seriously, ever since we went on this journey you've done nothing but worrying. **pushes him to the entrance**

Xu Shu: WAAAAHHH!

Jia Xu: Okay! And now….

Guo Jia: GLK! PICK HIM! PICK HIM! **points to Xun Yu**

Xun Yu: NO! NO! HIM! HIM! **points at Guo Jia**

Jia Xu: Hmmm…you know what, you both go.

Guo Jia and Xun Yu: WHAT?! But two people can't go at the same time!

Jia Xu: Yeah, I know that. Which is way I'm throwing Guo Jia first and then you.

Guo Jia: GAH! Why me?!

Jia Xu: Aaahh, don't worry, you won't be alone for long. **tosses Guo Jia into the entrance**

Guo Jia: Waitwaitwaitwait-AAAAAHHHHHH!

Jia Xu: There! You next! **tosses Xun Yu into the entrance**

Xun Yu: WAAAAHHHH!

Jia Xu: Whew, that cleared it up….well, here goes! HYAH! Huh?! WOAAAAHHHHH!

.

.

.

Cao Cao: ….gaaahhh….good lord, what was that?! Now I'm dizzy…hm? What is this room? And…oh, the sign! Let's see…"Okay, now you're ready for your next challenge. Right now, all of you are separated from each other and are placed in different rooms, each filled with different challenges for each people. When you passed, you'll get an artifact. What you have to do is to pass through these obstacles safely and head towards the 801st floor to face the final adversary here. Good luck." Huh, I see. Hmm…this room looks harmless enough, actually. **steps forwards carefully.**

 _Suddenly, upon stepping on a tile, the tile immediately spewed out fire._

Cao Cao: WHAT THE FU- **stumbles over and accidentally presses on a tile on the wall that spewed out fire as well** GAH! Seriously-

 _Just at that time, suddenly fire arrows came out of the wall and almost hit Cao Cao._

Cao Cao: Wha- AAAAHHHH!

 _He barely avoided it, and as a result became cornered by the fire-spewing tiles and fire arrows._

Cao Cao: Pant, pant…what? Ah, shit. So this is how it goes, huh? I have to carefully guess which tiles spew out fire and which don't…and also avoiding those fire arrows. Good lord, bad memories are coming back again, not to mention that fire is super-effective against me. Huff…okay, here goes.

 _Then, Cao Cao took each of his steps little by little, and everytime he just happens to step upon a fire-tile, he stumbles a bit, but managed to quickly regain his balance._

Cao Cao: Huff…okay…careful…careful….AAAHHH! Huff…those fire arrows can come from anywhere, can't they? Tch..hoop! Hoop! AAAHH! Argh, seriously! Hrmf, if this is how I'm gonna do it, I'm not gonna make it! There MUST be some sort of a pattern upon these fire-tiles…hmph, let's see…

 _After that, Cao Cao tried to make his way out again._

Cao Cao: GAH! For the love of GOD! Is there ANY way I can get out of this?! Hrmf…

 _Suddenly, a puff of smoke appeared before Cao Cao. When the smoke disappeared, it reveals the Two Qiaos._

Cao Cao: …what?! The Two Qiaos of Wu?! What the, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Xiaoqiao: Tee-hee! You don't need to know, creep!

Daqiao: You won't be able to catch us!

Cao Cao: What the- Okay, NOW you're getting on my nerves! Brats like you should be punished! HYAH!

Two Qiaos: Try us! HAHAHAHAAAA! **runs away**

Cao Cao: What the- HEY! COME BACK HERE! **chases the Two Qiaos**

 _Unfortunately, chasing the Two Qiaos caused Cao Cao to forget about the fire tiles and thus resulting in him stepping on them, causing him to knock back each time, all while still trying to chase the Qiaos._

Cao Cao: WAH! Gah! Ouch! Ouwie! YEOW! OWH! AWAWAWAH! GAH! YOU! LITTLE! SHEOW! GET BACK! FRWAAAHHH! HERE!

Two Qiaos: **pulls an eyelid at Cao Cao**

Cao Cao: **finally snaps** Grrr…..OKAY, THAT'S IT! **suddenly creates a massive ice ball and lifts it up** TAAAAKEEEEE THIIIIISSSSSS! **throws it to the Qiaos**

Two Qiaos: KYAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Cao Cao: Pant, pant, pant….

 _However, after the ice ball hit the Qiaos, suddenly a bright light appeared and the ice ball imploded._

Cao Cao: WHOAH! What….?

 _Then, it suddenly reveals the Qiaos in their grown-up forms._

Cao Cao: **jawdrop**

Daqiao: Ouch…what…what happened to us?

Xiaoqiao: Yaaayyyy! Sis, we're adults now!

Daqiao: Really? Oh god…this feels so weird…

Xiaoqiao: Nah, it's alright! We'll get used to it! I'm getting so sick of being stuck as a loli for years!

Cao Cao: **drools** …ohohohohohoooo….you know what, screw lolis! THIS is what I'm talking about!

Two Qiaos: AAAAHHHH! **runs away**

Cao Cao: Whaaattt?! Come on ladies, I'm a gentleman! Why don't you want mee?!

 _Again, this caused Cao Cao to stumble upon many fiery tiles, but that doesn't even slow his ambition to get the adult Qiaos down one bit. Once he finally gets near to them, though…_

Cao Cao: GWAHAHAHAHA! I GOT YOU NOW! HOOF!

Two Qiaos: KYAAAAHHHH!

Cao Cao: HYAAAHHH! Oh, WHOA! HEY! What's this smoke?! Gah…huh?! W-wait a minute….where, where'd they go?! WHERE DID THE NON-LOLI QIAOS GOOOO?! ….huh? Cards? So they were cards the whole effin time! Sigh…way to ruin my ambition….at least I can later masturbate to this though…

 _However, he later sees the door in front of him opens._

Cao Cao: ….what? So THAT was it?! Huh….right. If it weren't for the Qiaos, I wouldn't even have gotten pass through these fire tiles anyway. Oh well. **goes through the door** …oh, shit. Huff…this is going to be one LONG trip. Prepare yourself.

* * *

 _After getting up the stairs all the way to the 100th floor…_

Cao Cao: PANT…PANT…good fucking goddamned LORD! Huff…fuck, I definitely need to catch my breath first…oh, fuck…

Zhang Liao: Hm?! Lord Cao Cao!

Cao Cao: Eh? Zhang Liao!

Zhang Liao: You look so exhausted.

Cao Cao: Of course! I came to the 100th floor all the way from the 1st floor!

Zhang Liao: Oh? So this is the 100th floor, eh? I see…

Cao Cao: Hmmm…wait, if this is the case then the rest of us might be also transferred to the 200th, 300th, 400th floors, and so on! Oh fuck, I don't think I can handle this…

Zhang Liao: It's all right. I can help you.

Cao Cao: Thanks a lot. By the way, you recently came out of your challenge room?

Zhang Liao: Yeah. And I also got this.

Cao Cao: ….a cat badge?

Zhang Liao: Yeah.

Cao Cao: Err…what was your challenge, anyway?

Zhang Liao: Well, it was sorta embarrassing…but ah hell.

* * *

 _Flashback through Zhang Liao's POV…_

Zhang Liao: …grrrmmhh….oh, god! My head feels like it's cracking in two….WHOA! W-wha?!

 _Zhang Liao found himself waking up in a pink and girly room._

Zhang Liao: What the…does, does the Hefei Fortress even have anything like THIS?! I really feel like this should be for Zhang He instead…hrngh…hm? The sign! Let's see….oh, so everyone is getting different challenges to go through, but I, who is famed as the freaking Demon of Hefei himself, got THIS?! WHAT THE FUCK! …huff, okay, okay, it's alright. It doesn't matter if this challenge is demeaning, but I WILL take on ANY challenges, so BRING IT ON! Hmph, let's see what we got here…

 _He walked across the pink room. Until he came across a mirror._

Zhang Liao: …hm? Hey…wait a minute….what?! HOW THE HELL I'M SUDDENLY WEARING THAT GODFORSAKEN FAIRYTALE DLC?! AH! NO! NOOOOOOO! …huff, huff…seriously! Everyone made a big joke outta me when this costume first came out, and I've desperately tried to forget it since then…BUT NOW I REMEMBER HOW RIDICULOUS I LOOK AGAIN! GRAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH-

 _"Meow."_

Zhang Liao: Huh?!

 _Zhang Liao turned around and saw a cat, staring at him._

Zhang Liao: ….

Cat: …meow?

Zhang Liao: Tch! Shoo! Go away!

Cat: Meow~ **snuggles up to Zhang Liao**

Zhang Liao: What the- I told you! Piss off!

Cat: **pisses at Zhang Liao's clothes**

Zhang Liao: GAH! I DIDN'T MEAN LITERAL PISSING! EWWWW!

Cat: Meow?

Zhang Liao: Tch…seriously. Go. AWAY!

Cat: Meow~ **curls up in Zhang Liao's lap and sleeps**

Zhang Liao: The hell?

Cat: Purr…

Zhang Liao: Hrmsf…huh. Okay, control yourself, Zhang Liao. Taking care of this obnoxious feline might be the challenge itself. It's annoying, yes, but I can take it.

Cat: Purr~ **snuggles to Zhang Liao**

Zhang Liao: Hrmph. But really though, couldn't they have given a much, MUCH better challenge than this? I'm the one who made the battle of Hefei so iconic, and yet they've tasked me with taking care of cats.

 _And then, Zhang Liao noticed a box on the floor._

Zhang Liao: What's this? Hm? There are only two candies in it…"Caution: the black candy contains an ingredient indigestible by cats and could potentially cause death." I see! This means I have to give this cat the white one. **takes the white candy**

Cat: Meow!

Zhang Liao: Here, here, kitty, kitty…want some?

Cat: MEOW!

Zhang Liao: Here, catch!

Cat: MEOW!

Zhang Liao: YEOW!

Cat: **eats the white candy**

Zhang Liao: Ouch…you bit me too hard! Argh, I think it's bleeding…oh well, compared to what I've endured at the battlefield, this is no-

 _However, suddenly Zhang Liao noticed that the cat is having strange behaviors._

Cat: …ggrrrrr…

Zhang Liao: …huh? Hey, kitty…what's wrong?

Cat: …hrrr…grmklsgh….

Zhang Liao: Errr…okay, maybe I accidentally gave it the black one? No, the black one is still here, I'm pretty sure I gave it the white one…

Cat: …..GROAAAWWWRRRR!

Zhang Liao: WAAAHHH! WHAT?!

 _Suddenly, the cat proceeded to transform into an enormous monster cat._

Monster Cat: Hrrr….grrrrhhhh….

Zhang Liao: ….GULP.

Monster Cat: GROOOOAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR! **swipes at Zhang Liao**

Zhang Liao: WAAAHHH! Oh god…WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED! OH MY GOD! WAH!

Monster Cat: GRAAAAAAAA!

Zhang Liao: KYAH! Pant, pant...seriously! Could it have been the candy! Gah! **takes the instructions on the candy box** Let's see, aside from the caution about the black candy-

Monster Cat: GRAAAAA!

Zhang Liao: AAAHHH! Whew, that was a close one! Okay, it turns out there's a second page here…"More caution: the white candy could cause cats to transform into a monstrous being whenever they drink blood if eaten." **looks at his bloodied fingers** shit, it must've been this!

Monster Cat: Grrrr…hrrrrrlll….

Zhang Liao: Gulp, shit! What should I do? What can I use to fight this thing?! Ehrm… **takes out rapier** Okay! Now come at me!

Monster Cat: GRUAAAAARRRR!

Unfortunately, Zhang Liao's attacks didn't have a single effect against the Monster Cat.

Monster Cat: Grrrrrggglllll…

Zhang Liao: G-gah! Shit, I can't keep on!

Monster Cat: **finally grabs Zhang Liao's rapier and bends it**

Zhang Liao: **widens eyes** …oooooohhhhhh shitttt….

Monster Cat: GRAAAAARRRRR!

Zhang Liao: WAAAHHH! Huff, huff…crap, crap crap CRAP! Is there ANYTHING else I could use?! Hrmf….hey, wait a minute! The black candy! That's it! Hmp! **uses the rapier to pierce the black candy like a barbecue** Oy, pussy!

Monster Cat: Grr?

Zhang Liao: Hehe… **grins evilly then points the black candy on the rapier at the Monster Cat**

Monster Cat: Gr?! **immediately becomes fixated at the black candy**

Zhang Liao: Here, here, kitty, kitty…you want some?

Monster Cat: Grrrrrr! Graaaaa!

Zhang Liao: Haha, well, if you want it, you have it. TAKE THIS! HYAH! **thrusts the black candy onto the Monster Cat's mouth**

Monster Cat: GLK!

Zhang Liao: **lands dramatically before sheathing his rapier dramatically** Hmph. **turns around dramatically as the Monster Cat falls dead** Well. That was sorta fast. And now… **walks outside of the door** …huh? My clothes returned to normal! And…what's this thing on my hand? A cat badge? Huh…I wonder how the others are doing…

* * *

 _Back to the present…_

Zhang Liao: …and not long after that, you came.

Cao Cao: ….huh. Well, not really an embarrassing story, if I say.

Zhang Liao: But still! I had to fight a freaking CAT that turned into a gigantic abomination because of my doings. How about you, huh?

Cao Cao: Eek! Erm…

Zhang Liao: …by the way, what are those you're holding? Cards?

Cao Cao: AAHHH! Wait wait wait don't see it yet-

Zhang Liao: … **turns around to Cao Cao with a 'seriously?' expression** …really?

Cao Cao: Argh, okay, you know what, all of this really wasn't like what you think! Yeah true I was being a creep, but come on!

Zhang Liao: ….

Cao Cao: …okay, okay, tell you what, we don't have any time to waste here. We must go and see the others!

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

As usual, please leave a review and have a good day!


	10. Escape from Hefei Fortress, Part 2

_Chapter 10: Escape from Hefei Fortress, Part 2_

* * *

 _After getting all the way to the 200th floor…._

Cao Cao: PANT, PANT….

Zhang Liao: Huff, huff….

Cao Cao: Argh, fuck…..WHOOH! Seriously! Who the hell could've built a dungeon this goddamn tall anyway?! What's the point?!

Zhang Liao: Huff…I don't know either…maybe it's to symbolize my army of 800 soldiers that totally owned Wu back then…

Cao Cao: But still! Sigh…

 _Later, Zhang He came out and met the two._

Zhang He: Hm?! Oh, Lord Cao Cao! Zhang Liao!

Zhang Liao: Oh, Zhang He- WHATTHEFU-?!

Cao Cao: ….Zhang He…what…what happened to you?!

Zhang He: Ah, right, it's absolutely saddening to see my BEAUTIFUL self ruined like this…well, I suppose I should tell you what happened…

* * *

 _Flashback, from Zhang He's POV_

Zhang He: AAAHHH! Huh, where, where am I?! …huh, this room seems harmless enough. Oh, the sign! Hmm…800TH FLOOR?! Oh god…how can my body withstand that…sigh…okay, but first I need to focus on getting out of here. Hmm…seems the room is empty I suppose I just can walk through it like there's nothing-

 _Suddenly, a purple mist appeared out of nowhere._

Zhang He: Wha- cough, cough! What is this sudden purple mist?! Argh! Ugh, shit, looks like I'm turning into Guo Huai…ugh…huh?

 _When the purple mist clears, suddenly the entire room is full of purple butterflies._

Zhang He: Hm?! Oh my, what beautiful butterflies! Let me have some-

 _However, the moment Zhang He touched a butterfly, it immediately exploded, leaving a puff full of butterfly wings dusts._

Zhang He: WAAAHHH! W-what?! Agh, all these dusts!

 _Just at that moment, another butterfly set off, which ignited a chain reaction with other butterflies._

Zhang He: Wha-?! Owh! AH! OWH! OWOWOWOWOWOW! HOW COULD THE BUTTERFLIES CAN_ OWH! YAH! AHHHH! NOO! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

* * *

 _Back to the present…_

Zhang He: …and after that, I just happened to step on the switch which opened the door…and there you go.

Cao Cao and Zhang Liao: ….

Cao Cao: …that challenge is sorta lame, don't you think?

Zhang Liao: I know right. Though, if you think about it, our challenges were no less lame either…

Cao Cao: But I had to go through fire tiles, and you a monster cat! He…only had to face butterfly bombs.

Zhang Liao: But you KNOW that would be the hardest challenge for HIM!

Cao Cao: But still…

Zhang Liao: Okay, okay, that doesn't matter, you see. What matters is that now we have to immediately head towards the 300th floor! Let's go!

Zhang He: Whaaattt?! How can I even endure that?!

Zhang Liao: Take it easy, okay.

Cao Cao: But if we take it easy, we won't have much ti-

Zhang Liao: Well, how WORSE it would be if he DIES instead?!

Cao Cao: Oh, right.

Zhang Liao: Come on, we don't have much time. Let's go!

Cao Cao: Well, that was what I said earlier! Tch!

Zhang He: Aaahhh! Wait for me! Huff…god, that's one LONG stairway…I don't know how I will survive this one…

* * *

 _At the 300th floor…_

Zhang Liao: PANT, PANT….URRRRGGHHH…

Cao Cao: WHOA! Man! Hm? Hey, speed up Zhang Liao! You're too slow.

Zhang Liao: Argh….well, try carrying Zhang He up the stairs next time! Good lord, he already fainted at the 201st floor and I was the one who had to carry him upstairs the whole fucking time! You know how it felt to carry these tall-ass bones on your shoulders while running up the stairs?!

Cao Cao: Whoa! Okay, okay, someone's coming out of that door.

Zhang Liao: Who?

Cao Cao: Hmm…ah! Guo Jia?

Guo Jia: Ehhh?! Oh, hey! Lord Cao Cao! Hehehe, hehehe….

Cao Cao: Yeah…by the way, what's with you? You look kinda…

Guo Jia: Hahahaha….oooh, what's the problem?! Nothing's wrong with me! Hehehe, hehehe….

Zhang Liao and Cao Cao: ….

Cao Cao: ….what happened to him?

Zhang Liao: I have no fucking clue!

Cao Cao: I know right. Seriously, he looks like as if he's got some crack from Zhuge Liang and Pang Tong's black market…

* * *

 _Flahback, through Guo Jia's POV (not told by the man himself)_

Guo Jia: Ehrgh…ahhh…where am I? Hmgh….WHOA! What the…holy hot damn! There are luxurious food everywhere! And all sorts of wine! Pretty ladies!

Servant girl: Hehehe! I hope you can enjoy yourself!

Guo Jia: Whoa….hehehehe….man, this is fun! I have everything I wanted! I AM THE KING OF THE WOOORRRLLLLDDDD!

 _Later…_

Guo Jia: **drunk** Gwahahaha...I LOVE THIS! Everything is mine, mine, MIINNEEEEE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh man…is this heaven? …whoa, wait a minute! If I'm in heaven…does, does that mean that I'm DEAD?! NOOO! What, what about the others?! I gotta save Cai Wenji and meet with the others! Pant, pant…huh? A sign! Hmm…a challenge? How in the living world is THIS a challenge?! Well, that depends on whether I'm still alive or not, but still…

Servant girl: What is it, master?

Guo Jia: Hrm…I'm sorry, this is great and all, but I can't stay for any longer. I have more important business to attend to.

Servant girl: Aw, what's the hurry? At least we can have some more fun…

Guo Jia: Gulp…w-what kind of fun?

Servant girl: Hehehe…oh, you know…

Guo Jia: Uhhh…I'm sorry, but I really can't-

Servant girl: Come on now. I know you want THIS more than any other…

Guo Jia: Gulp. I-I…

Servant girl: Just relax now…okay? Your life's too short, after all.

Guo Jia: I…huff…oh well, I suppose a little of this is alright…hehehe…

Servant girl: Hehehehe….

 _However, Guo Jia suddenly had his vision blurring._

Guo Jia: Ah…uhm…what, what is this? Argh, I can't see anything clearly…

 _When Guo Jia's vision finally clears though, he then saw that the servant girl is actually a succubus preparing to eat him._

Guo Jia: **widens eyes** HWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Succubus: SCREEEEEE! **swipes at Guo Jia**

Guo Jia: AAAHHH! That…was close! Argh, what the heck?!

 _When Guo Jia looked at his surroundings, it turns out that all the luxurious foods, wine, and the rest of the pretty servants are actually human meat, blood, and more succubi._

Guo Jia: Wha…. **almost throws up**

Succubus: GYAAAAAARRRKKKHHH!

Guo Jia: Tch! Hyah! Whew! Seriously! Who the hell designed this kind of dungeon anyway?! Wrong game! Tch!

Other succubi: GRAAAAAAA!

Guo Jia: Oh, shit! Hngkh! Hyah! Whoh! Take this! Pant, pant….fuck, they're too strong for me…not to mention that their ugly-as-fucks appearances only serve to make me even sicker…hrngh…what, what could I do…?

 _Guo Jia took a giant bone, a leftover from his 'meals', and used it to strike down the succubi._

Guo Jia: TAKE THIS!

Succubus: WAAAARRGGHHH!

Guo Jia: Tch…even THAT wasn't enough! What should I do?!

 _Then, Guo Jia took one of the torches hanging on a wall and threw it to the succubi, burning them alive._

Succubi: GRAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!

Guo Jia: Pant, pant, pant….whew! Damn! That was close…hrngh…oh, the door's already open? Okay then…

* * *

 _Back to the present…_

Cao Cao: ….well, whatever it is, we still need to carry him along. Guo Jia!

Guo Jia: Ahah…yeah?

Cao Cao: You've read the instructions, haven't you? Then follow us. Be careful not to lose your balance on the stairs so that you won't fall down.

Guo Jia: Ahahahahaaaaa….oookkkaaaayyyy!

Zhang Liao: **passes through Guo Jia's challenge room and finds human corpses on the floor** …..errr….

Cao Cao: What is it?

Zhang Liao: My lord…look at that…

Cao Cao: What? ….what the?

Zhang Liao: …something….is not quite right here…

Cao Cao: …yeah. I mean, our previous challenges have been facing monsters, or mere illusions. But Guo Jia…

Zhang Liao: …yeah. He murdered ACTUAL people.

Cao Cao: Maybe those people were psycho as well!

Zhang Liao: I don't really know. Really, we just have to wait until Guo Jia gets off his crack to find out.

Cao Cao: Or maybe Guo Jia was just actually psycho…yeah…who knows that the moment's he's drugged, he went psycho and murdered those poor servants!

Zhang Liao: Could be…we have to be careful around him when he's still on that crack…

Cao Cao: Got it.

 _Note: Yes, the wine that Guo Jia drank was actually drugged, causing him to hallucinate and murdered those perfectly normal, human servants._

* * *

 _At the 400th floor_

Cao Cao: Pant, pant…okay. Who are we gonna meet in here?

Jia Xu: Eh? You're here.

Zhang Liao: Em? Jia Xu!

Guo Jia: Oooohhhh! Jia Xu! Hehehe….good to see you again, buddy!

Jia Xu: Errr….hey, what's wrong with you?

Guo Jia: Ehh? Ohohohohoo….nothing? What makes you think of that? Hehe…

Jia Xu: Uhhh….

Cao Cao: Don't try to mess with him while he's high.

Jia Xu: High? And why shouldn't I?

Cao Cao: I'll tell you the details later. Just…try not to piss him off.

Jia Xu: ….huh…okay. So anyway, we're immediately going to the 500th floor, yes?

Zhang Liao: Yeah.

Jia Xu: Fine then. Let's go.

Cao Cao: Whoa, wait a minute. If I see there's a bit something…off about you.

Jia Xu: Off? I thought you guys ALWAYS think of me as 'off'. What is it?

Cao Cao: I don't know…you seem to too nonchalant about this whole thing.

Zhang Liao: What challenge did you get?

Jia Xu: Oh…that…

* * *

 _Flashback, from Jia Xu's POV_

Jia Xu: …hrmh….oh…my head…they're spinning…ugh…hm?! Hey, where is this place? And where are the others?! Hm, it's the same like in Xiapi…oh, the sign. Hmm….oh I see. Well, this room is kinda small and looks harmless enough, so maybe I just could go through this easi-

 _The moment Jia Xu set on the first step, suddenly all sorts of obstacles activated in front of him. Flamethrowers, pendulum axes, flying swords, you name it._

Jia Xu …okay, maybe too soon. Hrmh…. **steps forward a little before an arrow flew at just a little bit away from him** YIKES! Okay, I definitely have to search for a new trick. Hrmf…wait…

 _Then, Jia Xu used his hyper-speed to get pass through the pendulum axes the moment he saw an opening._

Jia Xu: Okay, got that one. And now, the arrows and the flying swords? Hmmm….

 _He created clones that shielded him from the attacks, so he passed through safely._

Jia Xu: And now, the flamethrowers….well, since I'm a Fire-type it won't be very effective against me, so oh well.

 _He nonchalantly walked through the flame and got out safely._

Jia Xu: …well. That was easier than I thought.

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Jia Xu: …and now you know.

Cao Cao: What the…that was somehow even easier than Zhang Liao's challenge!

Jia Xu: What was his challenge, anyway?

Zhang Liao: I was entrusted into taking care of a cat. Then I turned it into a monster. Then I killed it. The end.

Cao Cao: Like, seriously! You're too OP throughout this whole story!

Jia Xu: Oh come on, this is the FIRST time I am ever OP, okay! No need to be so salty!

Zhang Liao: Is it because that you're the Author's favorite?

Jia Xu: What the- no! All of my abilities are canon. Unlike you, I know how to put my abilities into actual use rather than ended up making a fool of myself for trying too hard.

Cao Cao and Zhang Liao: …

Jia Xu: **shrugs** Oh well, I suppose I really am the only one here who knows how to use my intelligence.

Cao Cao: But that's really only because you're the Author's favorite! She made the rest of us idiots as a result!

Jia Xu: Oh, for the love of god- will you STOP calling me 'Author's favorite'?! For the last time, me being actually smart has got NOTHING to do with the Author!

Cao Cao: But this is supposed to be a Humor fic! You, as with all of us, were SUPPOSED to be made fun of for comedic effect! But the Author gave you a special treatment of being the only functional guy here! This is unfair!

Jia Xu: Then go complain to the goddamn Author instead of me! You think being an Author's favorite is fun?!

Zhang Liao: Guys, guys, could you two please stop this nonsense blabbering?!

Cao Cao and Jia Xu: Huh?!

Zhang Liao: For the love of god guys, we are all here racing against the clock to save Cai Wenji and yet you two are here arguing about the Author and stuff.

Cao Cao: But that's only because the Author has run out of ideas.

Jia Xu: Yeah…and so she put this in as a filler-

Zhang Liao: Well yes, but we have to move fast! Especially you, Lord Cao Cao! You were the one who were yelling at me to move fast and shit!

Cao Cao: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Zhang Liao: Well, then let's get going!

Cao Cao and Jia Xu: Okay, okay!

* * *

 _At the 500th floor_

Jia Xu: Huh…hm? Someone's there.

Cao Cao: Really? …he looks sorta…shady.

Zhang Liao: Yeah. He looks creepy. We have to be careful.

Jia Xu: I know. And…what the?! There's blood dripping from his hands…

Cao Cao: Oh, shit…be careful, guys!

Everyone: Tch…

 _When the said 'shady person' comes close though, it is revealed to be Xu Shu._

Xu Shu: Hm? Oh, you guys!

Cao Cao: Xu Shu! You…you alright?

Xu Shu: Well…no, actually.

Zhang Liao: What…did you do?

Xu Shu: Well…you see…

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay! As the good old tradition dictates, please leave a review and have a good day!


	11. Escape from Hefei Fortress, Part 3

_Chapter 11: Escape from Hefei Fortress, Part 3_

* * *

 _Flashback, from Xu Shu's POV_

Xu Shu: Uhhh…where, where am I?! What happened?! …huh?

Xu Shu found himself waking up in a kid's bedroom.

Xu Shu: What…this is…this is my childhood bedroom! How…how could I suddenly get here? I swear I was in-

 _"Oh, you're awake, sweetie."_

 _Xu Shu turned and saw his mother Lady Xun carrying a tray of cookies._

Xu Shu: …mom….mommy?

Lady Xun: Hmhm.

Xu Shu: Mommy…why…why are you here?

Lady Xun: Huh? What do you mean by that? I'm always here, darling.

Xu Shu: Errmm…this is sorta confusing…

Lady Xun: Why is that?

Xu Shu: I mean…I was on a journey before ending up in some place…but then I'm suddenly here…this is weird…

Lady Xun: Huh? What journey? You've been here all day, there's no way you could've gone to somewhere else. You must've been dreaming.

Xu Shu: But-

Lady Xun: Now, it's okay. You're back at home now. There's no need to endanger yourself, okay? **kisses Xu Shu's forehead**

Xu Shu: Ah…okay…

Lady Xun: Now, I'll go get some milk. Stay here. **goes outside**

Xu Shu: O…okay…hrmf, now THIS is really strange. There gotta be SOMETHING here! Hmmm…wait, that's the sign! Let's see…ah, I knew it! But…what kind of challenge there is in this room? It looks harmless enough…well, I suppose I'll just go outside immediately.

 _However, when Xu Shu opens the door, he found Lady Xun standing._

Xu Shu: A-ah! Mother…

Lady Xun: Now, who told you to go outside? I told you to stay in your room!

Xu Shu: A-ah, I'm sorry mother, but I have a REALLY urgent task here-

Lady Xun: Urgent?! Listen, if your mother tells you to stay, you WILL stay!

Xu Shu: Mom-

Lady Xun: That's enough! You're grounded! **closes and locks the door**

Xu Shu: What the?! Tch! Gah! It's locked! Mooommm! Open the door! Please! Huff….goodness, now how can I get out? Is this the challenge? But…how can I even defeat my own mother?

* * *

 _Several hours later…_

Xu Shu: Sigh…

Then, the door suddenly opens.

Xu Shu: Huh?

Lady Xun: Well, that's enough of your punishment.

Xu Shu: M-mom?

Lady Xun: Okay, now go back to your bed, and don't disobey me like that ever again, you understand?

Xu Shu: Y-yes…

Lady Xun: Huff…good. Now, tell me, who are you working under right now?

Xu Shu: Glk! (Oh no! If I tell her that I'm now working under Cao Cao, she will yell and scold me like that last time!) ….err…Liu Bei!

Lady Xun: Liu Bei?

Xu Shu: Y-yeah…

Lady Xun: Now that's weird. If you're working under Liu Bei then why are your clothes blue?

Xu Shu: Glk! Well…i-it's my old clothes, mom! I haven't changed it yet when I came into Liu Bei's service! Hehehe…hehehe…

Lady Xun: Oh, really?

Xu Shu: Yeah…hehehe…

Lady Xun: …

Xu Shu: **continues to smile awkwardly**

Lady Xun : ….I'M TRULY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, SON!

Xu Shu: H-huh?!

Lady Xun: Like fucking seriously son, you chose to work under that benevolent-bitch pussy instead of that badass swag overlord Cao Cao?! Do you even know how to discern true worth?!

Xu Shu: B-but, b-but-

Lady Xun: Really, just look at Liu Bei! If you use your talents to help him unify the empire, he will pretty much go and make this entire country 'The Land of Benevolence'! Just hearing the name makes me sick! Not to mention that the rest of his officers are also pussies! They run from one place to another with no actual stronghold! They look like homeless persons! Plus, their color is GREEN. Puke GREEN. Look at Cao Cao instead. He and his officers look badass as hell, and you can bet your ass they actually ARE! Plus you're already wearing blue anyway, so if you came to his service instead you won't spend another penny to buy a puke green-colored clothes! You're worthless! How the hell can I even have a pussy-ass son like you who serves just as pussy-ass leader?!

Xu Shu: M-mom, what, w-what-

Lady Xun: That's enough! Unless you come to Cao Cao, you don't have the right to call me your mother!

Xu Shu: …you…you are…you're not…

Lady Xun: Huh?

Xu Shu: You're not…you're not my mother….YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHEEEERRRRRR! **starts to beat up his own mother with his own hands**

Lady Xun: WHAAAHHHH! OWH! STOP! STOP IT! I SAID STOOOOPPP!

Xu Shu: YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! ….pant…pant…pant…

 _It's when Lady Xun is truly dead is when Xu Shu realized what he had done._

Xu Shu: **widens eyes** ….mom…..m-mom…mother?! MOTHER! **looks at his own bloody hands** no …no….no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! **runs outside the room, then walks across the hallway looking down** ….I….I killed my own mother…with my own hands…I killed my mom…I killed my mom…I killed my mom…

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Xu Shu: ...I killed my mom…I killed my mom…I killed my mom…

Everyone else: …..

Cao Cao: …whoa.

Jia Xu: Gee, NOW I truly feel bad for him. Poor guy.

Zhang Liao: Yeah…but will he stop saying that sentence over and over again?

Cao Cao: Ah, well, let me try. Hey, hey! **snaps fingers in front of Xu Shu**

Xu Shu: I killed my- e-eh? What?

Cao Cao: Okay, that's enough being guilty over matricide. Let's go.

Xu Shu: Eh? Um, right!

* * *

 _At the 600th floor_

Cao Cao: Okay! Now, who's next…

Zhang Liao: Hmm…oh! Someone's there!

Cao Cao: Hmm…oh! Yue Jin!

Yue Jin: Eh? Oh! Lord Cao Cao! And the others too!

Cao Cao: Yeah. So anyway, what was your challenge?

Yue Jin: Well…it was actually quite terrifying…

* * *

 _Flashback, from Yue Jin's POV_

Yue Jin: WAAAHHH! What…what is this place?! It's so gigantic! …really, I doubt that the Hefei Fortress is THIS big on the inside…eh, what's that? Is that the sign? …wait….no…NO! No, don't tell me…that I'm SMALL?! B-but how?! NOOOO! I'm already short enough as I am….waaahhh….okay, let's read the sign first…challenge, huh? But THIS is my challenge?! Seriously!

 _Suddenly, Yue Jin heard a loud stomping sound._

Yue Jin: Waaaahhhh! W-what's that?!

 _When he turned around, there's a bunch of gigantic (actually normal-sized, but they look gigantic because Yue Jin is now as small as an ant) peons charging._

Yue Jin: HWAAAAAHHHHHH! **tries to avoid the peons' steps** Gah! With every step they make, they created an earthquake! I can't move! Huff…shit…what should I do…? OH! **activates hyper speed**

 _So Yue Jin used his hyper speed to run safely away from the peons. Unfortunately, doing this also caused the peons to stumble with each other and finally fall down._

Yue Jin: Good! And now…. **seeing the peons falling down** WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! **hyper speeds towards door** …huff…huff…fuck…that was one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced in my life…oh! I'm normal sized again! Yaaayyyy!

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Yue Jin: …but really though, those peons truly look terrifying as hell when you're suddenly as tiny as an ant! Still makes me shudder just by thinking of that….

Cao Cao: Okay, okay, that's enough of your shorty-phobia, alright. We need to move as fast as possible to meet with the other two remaining!

Jia Xu: Yu Jin and Xun Yu, right?

Cao Cao: Yeah! Let's go!

* * *

 _At the 700th floor_

Cao Cao: Now, let's see…hmmm…

Suddenly, they heard a very loud laugh coming from the hallway.

Cao Cao: Huh?! Who's that?!

Jia Xu: It's coming from that side, sir.

Zhang Liao: Shall we go check it out?

Cao Cao: Of course…though we definitely have to be careful.

 _Later…_

Cao Cao: …..WHAT?!

Everyone: No…no way….

Cao Cao: Y….YU JIN?!

Yu Jin: WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! GWAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKA! GYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! O-OH, M-MY- GRKKAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- L-L-L-LORD! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Everyone: **jawdrop**

Cao Cao: ….is he…?

Jia Xu: Could be…

Yue Jin: Whoa! Man, this definitely could be the world's 8th wonder!

Cao Cao: I don't think the World's Seven Wonders even exist during this time…which would make this the first, I suppose?

Zhang Liao: Anyway…err…Yu Jin?

Yu Jin: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…oh…my stomach… **realized that the others are watching him, which made him embarrassed** ….a…ah! L-lord Cao Cao! I…I…

Cao Cao: No. There's…no need to explain. Okay.

Yu Jin: Y-yeah…

Cao Cao: Yeah. Huff…come on, let's go.

Yu Jin: O-okay.

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

* * *

 _Flashback, from Yu Jin's POV (not told by the man himself)_

Yu Jin: Uhhrrggghhh…what is…this place? Hrmf…the sign! Hmm…ah, I see. Well, any challenge you have for me, bring it on!

 **Cricket sounds**

Yu Jin: Come now, I'm not a coward. Are you?!

 **More cricket sounds**

Yu Jin: Well, if you're not replying me, then I will-

 _At that moment, suddenly a chair rose up to Yu Jin, and he was then tied and strapped to the chair._

Yu Jin: ….well. Took you long enough.

 _And then, a mysterious (?) projector projects a Google Chrome window (?!)._

Yu Jin: The hell….do we even have that sort of thing in Ancient China?! Ah well, this story had had already enough anachronisms as it is…

 _The window then opens YouTube, which later proceeds to play a 'Try Not to Laugh' video._

Yu Jin: 'Try Not to Laugh While Watching This'? ….bah! THAT'S the best challenge you can come up with? Seriously…'impossible challenge' my ass…

 _At the first 30 seconds_

Yu Jin: Pfftt…what the hell was that? That's so lame.

 _1 minute_

Yu Jin: …heh. Okay, that was pretty funny, but still not enough.

 _1 minute and 30 seconds_

Yu Jin: Grrrkkhhh…not…funny…enough…

 _2 minutes_

Yu Jin: PPPPFFFTTT…..NOT…FUNNY….

 _2 minutes and 30 seconds_

Yu Jin: PFFFFTT…huff…no…must…not….grrrkkhh….

 _3 minutes_

Yu Jin: OH MY GOD….OH MY GOD….PLEASE STOP THIS….I'LL BURST IF THIS KEEPS ON…..

 _3 minutes and 30 seconds_

Yu Jin: STOP…..pffftttt…..ggrrrrrkkkhhh…I…must not….laugh…AAAARRRGGHHHHH….

 _4 minutes_

Yu Jin: AAAAAHHHHHH…..huff…huff…NO….I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE…..

 _4 minutes and 30 seconds_

Yu Jin: GRIHDHBUEGJNYVDYHOINUVYTEGFUIRBFYRVFYUHSJBHVYBBUNEUBYEGOEDNOENDO…

 _Just then, the video finally ends, and Yu Jin was released from the chair._

Yu Jin: **walks towards the door with a red face trying to contain his laughter**

 _When the door closes…._

Yu Jin: …BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAA! OH MY GOOOODDDDDD WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HYAAHAHAHAHAHA! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!

* * *

 _Back to present…_

 _At the 800th floor_

Cao Cao: Okay! Now we have to look for Xun Yu!

Zhang Liao: Hm! Sir, look! Above is the last floor!

Jia Xu: Yeah…and it looks certainly creepy enough…

Yue Jin: Now, don't you think it's unfair? I mean, with this Xun Yu would only need to climb one floor to get to the top whereas we have to climb hundreds!

Cao Cao: Come on, you've only climbed 200 hundred floors! I've climbed like what, 800 floors!

Xun Yu: Oh! HEY! GUYS!

Cao Cao: Xun Yu!

Xun Yu: You guys are pretty quick to climb all the way up here.

Cao Cao: Of course. So, what did you get?

Xun Yu: Eh…err…

Cao Cao: Hm? What's wrong?

Xun Yu: Eh…no…I'm just afraid that I'll make you angry…

Cao Cao: Oh? Haha, why would I be angry at you? Just speak!

Xun Yu: Ehh…okay, so…

* * *

 _Flashback, from Xun Yu's POV_

Xun Yu: Gaaaahhhh….where….am I? What happened? Hmm? Wait, this room looks strangely familiar…ah, the sign! Hmm…oh, I see! But…what challenge could've been awaiting here? Hmm…

 _Suddenly, a bright light flashed before Xun Yu_

Xun Yu: AH!

 _When the light cleared…_

Xun Yu: Ah…what…?

?: Greetings, Xun Yu.

Xun Yu: Who….AH! E-emperor Xian?!

Emperor Xian: That's right.

Xun Yu: I…what the… **bows** F-forgive me, Your Majesty. I…I didn't even notice that you were here.

Emperor Xian: Ah, that's alright. Now, you sure know what your mission is, right?

Xun Yu: W-what mission?

Emperor Xian: You haven't known? **gives a knife to Xun Yu**

Xun Yu: A knife? …. **shocked** …w…what?! Your Majesty, what have I done wrong?!

Emperor Xian: Eeh? No, no! I'm not ordering you to commit suicide!

Xun Yu: Oh…t-then what?

Emperor Xian: I want you to assassinate that son of Cao Cao, Cao Pi.

Xun Yu: **even more shocked** …assassinate…him….?

Emperor Xian: Yes. I know that the moment his father dies, he will immediately try to dethrone me. I want you to assassinate him before that happens.

Xun Yu: B-but, but-

Emperor Xian: Please…I want you, as our last loyal retainer, to do this for the Han. I beg you!

Xun Yu: I….I…. _(but Cao Pi's at home! How the hell could I go back ALL THE WAY there?!)_ …assassinating Cao Pi….

?: Planning to assassinate me, eh?!

Xun Yu: I- WHA?!

 _When Xun Yu looked up, he realized that Emperor Xian has turned into Cao Pi._

Xun Yu: **widens eyes and turns pale** C-c-c-c-cao Pi….?!

Cao Pi: Heh. It's still impressive how you still have the nerve to call me by name. Arrest him!

Xun Yu: W-wha- GAH! NO! Tch…please, let me explain! I-

Cao Pi: There's no need to explain. I'm sure that you have always opposed this since the beginning. And so, I have a special way of punishing you. **snaps finger**

Xun Yu: S-special?

Cao Pi: Why yes. Ah, let's see what we have here…these are some beautiful jewelries, don't you think?

Xun Yu: Ah! Y-yes…

Cao Pi: Hmm…and so you want them, don't you?

Xun Yu: N-no! Certainly not!

Cao Pi: But why?

Xun Yu: Because…because doing so would be immodest!

Cao Pi: Ah, always sticking by the modesty, eh? Very well then…I have much more beautiful jewelries so I suppose I'll just throw away these ones.

Xun Yu: GLK! D-DON'T DO IT! AAAAHHHHH!

Cao Pi: Oh? But why shouldn't I? After all, you don't want it, and I don't want it. Plus I have better ones so it's fine for me to throw them away, right?

Xun Yu: BUT YOU JUST CAN'T DO THAT- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! **runs off to Cao Pi and stabs him brutally with the knife** …pant, pant, pant…oh no. **widens eyes and walks back** What…what have I done?! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! **runs outside of the room**

* * *

 _Back to present…_

Cao Cao: …

Xun Yu: …..erm…my…lord?

Cao Cao: ….

Xun Yu: ….errr….okay…. **carefully steps away**

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Zhang Liao: …ahem, my lord.

Cao Cao: ….oh! Zhang Liao!

Zhang Liao: We need to get going.

Cao Cao: Oh, right, right! Silly me! Okay…the one floor above us is the final destination! Let's go!

Everyone: AYE!

* * *

 _At the 801st floor_

Cao Cao: Okay! Whoa…look up!

Yue Jin: …huh?! Hey, look, Zhang Liao! That's a fresco depicting our Battle at Hefei, remember?!

Zhang Liao: Ah…yes…

Cao Cao: Haha! Such is the battle that totally owned Wu and made you the feared 'Demon of Hefei', Zhang Liao! I'm so proud to have such a fine general as yo-

 _Suddenly, a swirling, black tornado appeared right in the middle of the room, where Cao Cao was standing._

Zhang Liao: GASP! My lord, LOOK OUT! **drags Cao Cao away**

Cao Cao: Huh?! AH!

Yue Jin: W-what is that?!

Jia Xu: I don't know…but we definitely have to be careful…

 _The swirling black tornado became even bigger and bigger, and an ominous glowing yellow eye can be seen accompanied with a loud demonic roar…_

Cao Cao: W….w…w-WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

As always, please leave a review and have a good day!


	12. Final Destination

_Chapter 12: Final Destination_

* * *

 _When the black torpedo dissipates, it reveals a muscular, gray-skinned humanoid creature wearing a tiger skull mask._

Cao Cao: What the hell?! Does that sort of creature even exist here?!

Jia Xu: Last time I checked we're not playing a fantasy Western-RPG…

Xun Yu: You mean the one where some dude took an arrow in the knee?

Yue Jin: Pfftt! In the knee?! Oh, that's lame. Try checking out SOMEONE who got far worse than that…

* * *

 _Meanwhile at the (party-ruined) Wei palace…._

Xiahou Dun: ACHOO! Oh damn, was someone talking about me? Oh well. TRALALALALALALAAAAA!

* * *

 _Back at the Hefei Fortress…_

Yu Jin: Okay, that's enough! That joke is way too overused anyway…

Zhang Liao: What…the…who are you?!

 _The creature then summons dual scythes._

Cao Cao: Oh, gimme a break! Now he's using the weapons of that crazy-as-hell version of Mitsuhide?!

Jia Xu: This is getting ridiculous…

Cao Cao: Well, IT IS! THIS ENTIRE MISSION IS RIDICULOUS!

Yu Jin: Well, whatever it is, it seems that it's not friendly. Be on your guard!

Everyone: Tch!

 _The creature then speeds towards the group._

Cao Cao: Uh-oh, here it comes! Huh- AGH!

Jia Xu: Uh?! GWAH! Whew, that was close- GAH!

Yue Jin: Huh?! Hey, whoa whoa whoa- AAAHHH!

Yu Jin: Tch! Come, you demon from somewhere! COME AND GET- ARKH!

Xu Shu: **slightly pisses himself, then gets knocked out anyway**

Xun Yu and Guo Jia: **widens eyes, then hugs each other** KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- **gets knocked out**

Zhang He: KYAAAAHHH! Eh, uh, uhmm….seriously! Why is it a trend to have the final survivor of a serial killer to be a girl?! Eh, I'm not a girl, but still! **gets knocked out**

 _The creature manages to knock out all the 8 participants in one fell swoop, and he later speeds toward his final target: Zhang Liao._

Zhang Liao: WHAT?! Shit…all the other 8 have been knocked out clean by that creature all by itself! Tch!

 _However, it later turns out that Zhang Liao is a tougher foe for the creature, being able to avoid and counter all of its attacks, even managing to steal one of the creature's scythes to fight him, much to the amazement of the other 8._

Cao Cao: Ergh…hmm?! Zhang Liao?!

Zhang Liao: GAH! Grrhhh….oh, Lord Cao Cao! Tch! HYAH!

Cao Cao: Hot damn! WHOOH! Go go, Liao! YEAH! Kick that thing's ass!

The others: Errrgghhh….em?! AH! Zhang Liao!

Zhang Liao: Grrrhhh…..HYAH! Pant…pant…what is this thing? It's so tough…

Cao Cao: Ah! Don't give up, Liao! You can do it!

Zhang Liao: Pant…pant…okay! Be careful, everyone! HYAAAAHHHH!

 _After that, Zhang Liao and the creature continued to duel, but neither had the upper hand._

Zhang Liao: GRRRHHH…..tch, this will not do! Gah! Pant…pant…it's really weird, indeed. It and I have almost equal strength and speed…huff….okay! HYAAAAHHHH!

 _Zhang Liao landed one quick strike at the creature, which broke its mask in half. When it's face was revealed…._

Everyone: **widens eyes** GASP!

Zhang Liao: …what….what the…no…this can't be happening…wha…..you….WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE ME?!

 _Yes, the creature turned out to be a demonic, gray-skinned, white-haired and snake-eyed version of Zhang Liao._

Cao Cao: What the hell…

Jia Xu: Something tells me that it looks like an unholy lovechild between Zhang Liao and Orochi…

Xun Yu: You idiot! Don't encourage the yaoi fanfiction writers!

Jia Xu: Well, not even the craziest yaoi fangirls would even THINK of something like that…

Creature: …heh…hehehehehe….hahahahaha….WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Zhang Liao: Tch! YOU! WHO ARE YOU?! What….WHAT ARE YOU?!

Creature: Ahahahaha….is there even a need to ask me? Do you even know about yourself?

Zhang Liao: What the hell do you mean by that?!

Creature: Hah…of course. If you know about yourself then you would've known about me. You see, the day where you, along with your two trusty subordinates Yue Jin and Li Dian, and the 800 other nameless peons charged and managed to tear down Sun Quan's army, even almost managing to kill Sun Quan himself…that's the day when I was born.

Zhang Liao: What?

Creature: Ahahahaha…the strength, the might you conveyed. The anger, the rage, the valor, to tear through the Wu forces…that was what formed me. I am your rawest strength given form, Zhang Liao. I am…'Demon of Hefei'.

Zhang Liao: …no…NO! NO WAY!

Demon of Hefei: Yeah way. Isn't that what your nickname is after that legendary event? The very mention of your name is enough to scare the children of Wu…that's just how feared you are. And yet, you still deny being called a 'demon'. What a foolish way of thinking, I'd say.

Zhang Liao: Tch…you…what do you want with me?!

Demon of Hefei: Hahahaha! You still haven't realized it, huh?! **quickly grabs Zhang Liao by the collar**

Zhang Liao: GAH! Urkh!

Cao Cao: AAAHH! ZHANG LIAOOO!

 _However, when Cao Cao runs toward Zhang Liao, suddenly a barrier of dark energy surrounded both Zhang Liao and the Demon of Hefei, preventing Cao Cao from interfering._

Cao Cao: GAH! Urgkh! ZHANG LIAO!

Zhang Liao: LORD CAO CAO! Tch, YOU! What…is it…that you WANT?!

Demon of Hefei: Wahahahaha…why, you ask? Of course, what I want is for you to accept me.

Zhang Liao: Accept…you?! What the hell do you mean?!

Demon of Hefei: What I mean is, that you accept for what you are. Look at you now. You're known as a demon everyone in Wu. And that really is what you are. A demon that tears through enemy armies like they're paper. That is what you live for. And yet, for the longest time, you've always been trying to deny it, even spewing out that 'honor' and 'path of the warrior' nonsense. I mean, who needs some useless shit like that? You've been holding back your potential because of that. However, during that fateful moment, at this very place, you unleashed everything you've been holding inside you. The moment you became known as 'The Demon of Hefei'. And that what you should be for the rest of your life.

Zhang Liao: Engh…no…NO! I will…never!

Demon of Hefei: Hahahahaha….you can't resist any longer!

Zhang Liao: Tch…you…dumbass!

Demon of Hefei: Huh?!

Zhang Liao: Hahahaha…you fool! I still got this! **shows the cat badge**

Demon of Hefei: What the…NO! What…what is this?!

 _Then suddenly Zhang Liao shined brightly and blindingly._

Everyone: WAAAHHH! What…is happening?!

 _When the light subsides, it shows that Zhang Liao has transformed into wearing his cat Fairytale DLC._

Demon of Hefei: …what….WHAT IS THIS?!

Zhang Liao: Hmph! So you've always thought of me as a mere 'demon' who kills others mercilessly, eh, haven't you?!

Demon of Hefei: No…what is this horrific figure you've turned to! No…you're supposed to be a terrifying demon! NO! STOP!

Zhang Liao: Well, too bad! Good thing Koei gave me THIS DLC so that the fangirls could portray me as a cuddly kittycat! Watch this! **proceeds to do all the 'cute kittycat' routines**

Everyone: **jawdrop**

Cao Cao: …hnggghh…must…..resist….KAWAII LEVEL OVER 90000000000! HWAAAAAHHHHH! ZHANG LIAO, WHY MUST YOU BE SO GODDAMN CUTEEEEEE?! GYAAAAHHHH! LEMME HAVE SOOOMEEEEEEE! **tries to run after Zhang Liao, but gets restrained by Jia Xu**

Jia Xu: My lord…don't interrupt his ONLY way of defeating the enemy…and have patience.

Yu Jin: **blushes, but desperately tries to hide it from the others**

Yue Jin: …whoa.

Guo Jia: I WANNA BE A KITTYCAT TOO! I bet the ladies will come flocking to me in an instant!

Xun Yu: Sigh…how many times I tell him to think with his brain not his dick…

Xu Shu: **faints due to excessive cuteness**

Zhang He: Ooohhh my! Ah, that gives me an idea of keeping few cats at home…

Demon of Hefei: No, NO! STOP IT! STOP DISPLAYING SUCH CUTENESS! YOU, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DANGEROUS!

Zhang Liao: Hmph! Who said being cute can't be dangerous?! **releases his cat claws, then jumps on top of the Demon of Hefei**

Demon of Hefei: UWAAARGH!

Zhang Liao: Now! TIME FOR YOUR PUNISHMENT! NYAAAA! **proceeds to kitty-scratch (is that even a word?) the Demon of Hefei to death**

Demon of Hefei: HUAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!

* * *

 _3 hours of brutal cuteness later…_

Zhang Liao: Hmph! That'll teach you! **puts off the cat badge which reversed him to his normal costume**

Cao Cao: WHOOOOHHHH! ZHANG LIAO! YOU ROCK!

Zhang Liao: Heh…yeah…though it's still fucking embarrassing as all hell…

Yue Jin: But really though, your skills were amazing! Like really, if you could teach me-

Zhang Liao: Unless if you were talking about battle skills, then nope.

Yue Jin: Aww…

Jia Xu: By the way, now that we've defeated the enemy, what should we do?

Cao Cao: Hm? I don't know, maybe there would be some door or-

Suddenly, a light pillar flashed in the exact center of the floor, and then a floating sign appeared on it.

Cao Cao: Huh? The fuck is this?

Jia Xu: Normally, the signs are…you know…physical? Not some floating, energy thing now, ain't it?

Cao Cao: Hm, let me read…"Congratulations! Truly, I can't express how I am amazed at how you 9 have managed to go this far! After this, you nine will be facing your last challenge to save your damsel in distress. Normally, I would tell you where to go next, but since the Author is too fucking lazy to make another adventure arc before the finale, then I'll just skip right onto the finale: step on the middle of this platform right here and you'll be teleported right onto your next, and final destination, where your final challenge awaits. Good luck."

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Cao Cao: …oh well! You all heard what it said. After this is our final battle to finally save Cai Wenji! We have no time to lose! Let's go!

Everyone: YO!

 _Everyone did as the sign told, and they were then immediately transported to their last destination: Chibi._

* * *

 _At Chibi_

Everyone: WHOAH!

Cao Cao: Oof! Shit, did it REALLY have to drop us from midair like this?!

Jia Xu: Don't know…

Guo Jia: Um? Hey guys, look!

Everyone: Huh?

 _It turns out that a massive battle arena has been built in Chibi._

Cao Cao: Whoa…what the hell is that?!

Jia Xu: I certainly NEVER remembered Chibi having something like this…

Xun Yu: Well, maybe it's just like that 801-floored Hefei Fortress?

Yue Jin: Seriously, is the kidnapper of Cai Wenji an expert architect or something that (s)he was able to build stuffs like the Xiapi Castle, 801-floored Hefei Fortress, and now this!

Cao Cao: Hmm…oh, yeah! The sign! Hmm…"Good. Now you've finally arrived at your last destination. The final challenge to decide who's worthy to rescue Cai Wenji. All of you 9 are to enter this coliseum, and once you're in, there's truly no turning back. Only one person can come out carrying the rescued damsel in distress. Good luck."

Everyone: Gulp….

Yue Jin: G-g-guys? Now, isn't this…terrifying?

Jia Xu: I know. It seems from the way it sounds, only one of us can come out alive with Cai Wenji…and the rest are killed.

Everyone: Gasp!

Guo Jia: NOOO! I DON'T WANNA DIE! I CAN'T DIE AT THIS AGE!

Xun Yu: History said 'too bad'.

Xu Shu: **pisses himself, again**

Cao Cao: Now now, calm down gentlemen. While what Jia Xu said COULD be true, the sign never explicitly said that 'the rest will be dead', either, so don't worry over such indefinite things. Regardless, we've come so far, and it's now the time to finish this once and for all.

Everyone: Hm!

Cao Cao: Alright, now….let's enter.

* * *

 _Inside the Coliseum._

Everyone: WHOOOAAAHHH!

Yue Jin: Holy shit! I thought that this entire place is big, but now…damn!

Xun Yu: Was it actually necessary to build a battle arena this big? Like, what? Are we going to face some sort of a Lovecraftian abomination or something?

Guo Jia: Lovecraftian? You mean the one with the tentacles?

Xun Yu: Well, some.

Guo Jia: Ooh boy! I'm gonna enjoy this! **grins widely**

Xun Yu: …for the love of GOD.

Yu Jin: …hm? Hey, did you hear that?

Cao Cao: What?

Yu Jin: I don't know, it sounded like...

Everyone: Like wha-

.

.

.

.

.

Everyone: Nggghhh…

Cao Cao: Oh god…hm…guys?

Everyone: Ah! Everyone's here!

Cao Cao: Ah, yes right, at least we're not suddenly separated like befo- WAAAAHHHH!

 _It turns out that the 9 have been placed in a really, REALLY tall platform with a seemingly-infinite abyss below._

Cao Cao: **shudder** …..huff….WHOOOHH…god, THAT WAS CLOSE. W…where are we, anyway?

Everyone: **shrugs**

 _Suddenly, a stage light shines down the center of the platform._

Everyone: AAAHHH!

?: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AT LAST, WELCOME, GENTLEMEN!

Cao Cao: Gaaahhh…ah! YOU! WHO ARE YOU?!

?: Ahahahahahaaaa…oh well, there's no need of knowing me. AT THE MOMENT. However, I do believe that she is more of an importance to you at the moment, yes? **shoves Cai Wenji to the front**

Cai Wenji: KYAAAAHHH! Huff…huff….

Everyone: CAI WENJIIIII!

Cai Wenji: Pant…pant…Lord Cao Cao! Jia Xu! Guo Jia! Xu Shu! Xun Yu! Zhang Liao! Yue Jin! Yu Jin! Zhang He! All of you guys…

Cao Cao: Tch, don't worry Cai Wenji! I'll save you- GWAAAHHH!

Suddenly, an explosion set off and hit Cao Cao.

Everyone: MY LORD!

?: Oh…how ignorant you are. Haven't I told you right at the beginning of the journey that any form of disobedience of rules will be rewarded with a world of pain? And that's me playing nice and deciding to set off an explosion near you. If you proceed to disobey once more, I'll set off the explosion near HER instead.

Cai Wenji: Aaahh…

Everyone: Gulp…

Cao Cao: Tch…you…YOU BASTARD! JUST WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

?: Ah, yes, good thing you asked that. Well, I did say that back then I didn't have to tell you who I am, but I believe now is the right moment. **steps forward to reveal itself**

Everyone: …..GASP!

Cao Cao: What….THE! HELL!

?: Mwahahaha…

Cao Cao: No…..NO! WAY! NO FUCKING WAYYYY!

 _ **To Be Continued….**_

* * *

Okay! Nearing the end here, so please leave a review and have a good day!

 _Note: By the way, that Demon of Hefei thing was actually inspired by a particular fanart I came across in pixiv, where upon seeing that version of Zhang Liao, I immediately dubbed it as 'The Demon of Hefei', essentially a demonic alter-ego of Zhang Liao._


	13. Deathmatch at Chibi

_Chapter 13: Deathmatch at Chibi_

* * *

Everyone: No….no….NOBUNAGA?!

Cao Cao: But, WHAT?! No, seriously, WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THIS?! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

Nobunaga: Mwahahahaha…is that so?

 _Later, the other Oda army (No, Hideyoshi, and Hisahide) came out as well._

Jia Xu: What the…the others are here too?!

Nobunaga: Mwahahaha…of course! Who else could build such magnificent dungeons we put out for you?

Hideyoshi: No one else but Hideyoshi, who built THREE castles in just one day! Whee!

Everyone: **sweatdrop**

Nobunaga: And this little fucker Hisahide is the only one who can make such great explosives now, ain't it?

Hisahide: Certainly.

Cao Cao: What the hell…okay, okay! Ignoring the goddamn fact that this is not a goddamn crossover or a Warriors Orochi fic, WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?! Like, HOW in the hell are you here at the first place?!

Nobunaga: Well, from the Watsonian perspective, after that third incident with Orochi I had been trying to develop a time-travel magic similar to Kaguya's so that I could travel back in time and meet you guys. From the Doylist perspective, the Author just decided to throw in random Samurai Warriors characters in for a cheap plot twist.

Cao Cao: Then why did you kidnap Cai Wenji?!

Nobunaga: Ah, well, I accidentally came across with her when walking down the streets, and she mistook me for you!

Cao Cao: What the hell?! For the nth goddamn time SOMEBODY mistook Nobunaga for me! Argh, then what's next?!

Nobunaga: Afterwards, she proceeded to tell me stuff about her pregnancy, in which apparently she isn't aware of who the father of her child is. Then I asked her, "Who are the guys you're closest with?", in which she answered the names of all you nine. Then I thought that it would be amusing if I kidnap her and then get all of you nine to race to save her.

Yue Jin: So you're doing all of this just for your own amusement?! You sick bastard!

Nobunaga: Oh…is that so?

Yue Jin: Glk!

Nobunaga: Ah, but anyway…I've already checked on the DNA of her baby and I already know who the father is. And this final challenge is to see whether that father can be truly worthy of her and their child.

Xun Yu: And that final challenge will be?

Nobunaga: Here. **throws a weapon to all the 9 participants each**

Everyone: Ah!

Guo Jia: …hey, wait a minute.

Zhang Liao: Is this….

Xu Shu: …our fourth weapons?

Jia Xu: Whoa. What kind of adversary awaits us to the point where we need to combine the strength of all our fourth weapons to defeat it?

Nobunaga: Mwahahaha….who said anything about 'combining strength'?

Everyone: Gasp!

Nobunaga: Nobody, right? Well, listen. I, initially, designed this competition so that all nine of you would, you know, COMPETE against each other. After all, this is what you can call a battle for a woman's affections, right? You are competing to see who is worthy of getting Cai Wenji. But instead, all of you worked together to save her.

Xun Yu: What? But, that means that we violated the rules, right? Then why did you not?

Nobunaga: Of course, I did not punish you because I've already prepared the final challenge to be an ACTUAL competition for you nine. The last trial to see the true winner. Now, here is your final challenge: come out as the last man standing.

Everyone: **widens eyes** …w….what?!

Guo Jia: …no…you, you mean?!

Xu Shu: We have to KILL each other?!

Yu Jin: Is that the reason why you gave us our fourth weapons?!

Cao Cao: What?! No, but…NO! Why did you?!

Nobunaga: Didn't I tell you earlier? This IS a competition, after all. Or do you want to see this lovely maiden gets blown up?

Cai Wenji: A-aahh!

Cao Cao: Tch! …no…why did it have to turn like this?!

Zhang Liao: Ah! Guys, please! There must be some way to save her without killing each other!

Yue Jin: But how?!

Cao Cao: Gah…pant…pant… **raises sword**

Everyone: AH!

Zhang Liao: What?! No, Lord Cao Cao! You can't do it!

Cao Cao: Pant…pant…it's very hard for me to say this, but…I'm sorry, guys! I have to do this!

Guo Jia: Lord Cao Cao, please!

Xun Yu: Listen, we've gone so far to save Cai Wenji! We've been through all of this TOGETHER!

Cao Cao: I KNOW! Pant…but, that really is our reason! We've gone so far to save her, and wouldn't it all be for naught if she were to die at the last stage?! No, I can't let that happen! I can't let our journey to be in vain, even if I have to make sacrifices!

Yu Jin: My lord, please! Would you be willing to throw us, who've all been in your service for many years and given you many victories away for a single woman?!

Cao Cao: Would you be willing to see such a woman die a horrible death with her baby?!

Jia Xu: My lord, your infatuation with Cai Wenji has blinded you!

Cao Cao: I AM NOT BLIND! Pant…pant…I, I know exactly why I'm here. YOU all know exactly why you are here. This, this is the entire purpose of this story. If we aren't able to conclude it, think what would happen!

Everyone: ….

Guo Jia: ….I…I too…

Everyone: Huh?!

Guo Jia: …I too…I 'm willing to fight to save Cai Wenji!

Xun Yu: What?! No, not you too!

Guo Jia: Of course I am! Just like what Lord Cao Cao said, I too, will fight all 8 of you to prove that I am worthy of Cai Wenji! I will!

Xun Yu: Guo Jia, you can't do that!

Guo Jia: Why can't I?!

Xun Yu: Huh?!

Guo Jia: You've always been calling me as no mere than a guy who can only obey his dick and not his basic logic. So when we're finally obliged to do this to save one important woman, the target of all our long journey and sacrifice, you called me out as well?!

Xun Yu: Guo Jia, that's not my-

Jia Xu: All of you guys are so ignorant!

Everyone: Huh?!

Jia Xu: Seriously…from the way you guys have been talking it only seems that you're all treating Cai Wenji as a mere lifeless MacGuffin! Like really, think about what she's feeling at this very moment! To see her friends being forced to kill each other just to save her life…and when all is said and done, when she finally gets rescued by her 'true love' that she previously only thinks as a friend, while the rest of her friends all are DEAD, think about what she'll feel! Will it really worth it?!

Everyone: ….

Yu Jin: …you know, he's got a point.

Yue Jin: I know! But…is there actually something we can do? So that everyone will come out alive? I mean, come on! There must be something we can do-

 _His sentence was cut off as a massive icicle suddenly came down and almost hit Yue Jin._

Yue Jin: AAH!

Everyone: What?!

Cao Cao: Pant…pant…I'm sorry, but this is my decision! I will fight and kill you until our goal is achieved, no matter what the cost!

Guo Jia: Me too! HYAH! **shoots out orbs**

Yue Jin: Wa- OUCH! Huff…okay, you asked for it! HYAAAHHH!

Yu Jin: Hm?! AGKH!

Yue Jin: Eh?! Eh…emmm…s-sorry! I didn't mean to-

Yu Jin: Grrr…YOU! HYAAAHHH!

Jia Xu: What the- ARKH! Tch…okay, IT'S ON! HYAH!

Zhang He: AAAHH! Grr…FINE, THEN! You want it, THEN COME AND GET IT! HYAAAHHHH!

 _The nine participants, minus Xu Shu (who just continues to cry in a fetus position) and Xun Yu (who's trying to defuse the situation), continues to brawl in a bloody deathmatch._

Xun Yu: Guys, PLEASE! Come on, we can- **gets hit by one of Guo Jia's orbs** ….grrrr…..OKAY THEN, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT! HYAAAAHHHHH!

 _Then all the 8 participants (Xu Shu is still crying in a fetus position) were truly trying to murder each other, either out of motivation to save Cai Wenji, or that they were merely pissed off at being a wrong target of the others' attacks. The deathmatch continues, until suddenly..._

Cai Wenji: …ah….no…NO!

Nobunaga: Mwahahaha….now, don't you see it now, Cai Wenji? How determined your 'friends' are to save you that they're willing to murder their own companions that have been accompanying them in their journey to this place?

Cai Wenji: Ah…no… **sobs** GUYS, STOP IT!

Everyone: HYAH! Huff…huff…huh?

Cai Wenji: Sob…please…stop it!

Cao Cao: W-what do you mean?

Cai Wenji: Please…I…I know that all of you guys have been travelling long and far to save me, but…please don't do this!

Guo Jia: But if we don't-

Cai Wenji: I know that. Infact…infact, if you guys have to kill each other, the allies and the comrades that you've known and worked together for years, in exchange for me, a girl you guys barely even know, then, then…

 _Cai Wenji then quickly stood up to step on the explosives in an attempt to kill both herself and Nobunaga._

Nobunaga: What the-

Everyone: CAI WENJIIIIIIIIIIII!

 _She managed to trigger a massive explosion which then destroyed a large part of the Coliseum and Chibi itself._

.

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The 9: Huff…huff…

Cao Cao: …huff…what? …..no…NOOOOOO!

Everyone: …m-my lord…

Cao Cao: Sob…sob…this…can't…BE! Tch, how…how is this possible?! We have…we have…argh….

Everyone: …pant…

Cao Cao: …tch…it's all…it's all my fault…it's all my fault for not being fast enough to kill you all at the first place!

Zhang Liao: What! My lord, you're insane!

Cao Cao: No, you are! If you would have actually have determination to kill the others, this would not have happened! But of course, since I was the one who started the fight at the first place…tch…

Everyone: Lord Cao Cao…

Cao Cao: Tsk…what…what are we gonna do? She's dead…along with that baby of hers…the very baby I told her to take good care of…she died because of us.

Everyone: …

Yue Jin: …..hm?! Hey, guys!

Cao Cao: What is it, Yue Jin? This is no time for jokes!

Yue Jin: No, really! Look up there! **points at the ruined wall of the coliseum**

Everyone: Hm? HUH?!

 _Up there, Cai Wenji is shown to be safe and well, carried by a generic officer._

Cao Cao: What the…no…it can't be…!

Generic: **jumps down** Hoop!

Cai Wenji: Ah!

Generic: **bows down** My lord.

Cao Cao: What the…no, who are you?

Generic: Eh? You don't know me?

Cao Cao: Well, I've got hundreds other officers with the same face as yours, you know…

Generic: Oh, right. I'm Dong Si.

Cao Cao: Dong Si…oh! Right! You…you're the one guy Cai Wenji told me about, right?

Cai Wenji: Yeah!

Cao Cao: That's right…huh…you're the guy whom I intended Cai Wenji to marry, but when this incident came up…

Jia Xu: …whoa. Wait a minute, then if Dong Si was the guy you intended to marry to Cai Wenji, then…

Guo Jia: …how come you did NOT suspect him as the father as with the rest of us?!

Xun Yu: Yeah! I mean, that doesn't make sense…

Cao Cao: Eh, oh, right…maybe that's because he's a generic that I sorta forgot about him? **smacked by Dong Si** OUCH!

Dong Si: Now that's just mean! Generics are humans too, you know.

Cao Cao: Haha, right, sorry…by the way, Dong Si, why are you here? How could have you travelled all the way here?

Dong Si: Oh, that. Well, that morning when Cai Wenji got kidnapped I went to her room only to find her missing. Then, I found that letter, saying that she got kidnapped. I didn't know whom the letter was actually addressed to, but since Cai Wenji's in danger I decided to go all alone to save her. I went through many obstacles and challenges that you guys also went through, and here, I managed to save her at last.

Everyone: Whoaaahhh…

Cao Cao: …da…damn…

Jia Xu: Whew. Who knows that a generic is more capable than all of us combined?

 _"That's…splendid….ergh…"_

Everyone: Huh?!

 _The voice turns out to come out from Nobunaga, who's been fatally wounded by the explosion._

Dong Si: Hm! YOU! You wretch, how dare you to do such a thing to a woman?!

Nobunaga: Ergh…heh…hehehehe….ah, how curious it is that a generic managed to get this task done instead of you nine?

Cao Cao: We…guess so…heh…

Nobunaga: Hah…well, turns out that I'm mistaken. I chose all nine of you to see if any of you mighty warriors who could tear through peons with ease could save a damsel in distress in the name of love…but turns out I'm wrong. Instead, it's a generic who turned out to be her true love.

Dong Si: True love?

Nobunaga: Yes. I mean, look at you. You're a mere, weakly near-unrecognizable generic with an ordinary human powers unlike the playable characters, and yet you managed to go through all of those obstacles all by yourself, and managed to do what these 9 didn't. And that, I think, is the power of true love right there. Haha…congratulations.

Everyone: **cheers**

Dong Si: Ah…heh, hehehe…

Cao Cao: Well…we may not be Cai Wenji's true love, but since she's safe now, it's alright. And hey, I think it's better for her to stay with a generic instead of over-the-top playables like us, right?

Everyone: **laughs**

Nobunaga: …oh…yeah…about one thing…

Cao Cao: Hm?

Nobunaga: I forgot to tell you…even though Dong Si is Cai Wenji's true love…he is, NOT the father of her child!

Everyone: GASP!

Dong Si: What the…Cai Wenji! What does this mean?!

Cai Wenji: Ah, I…I don't know…

Guo Jia: But how is that possible?! You said that her true love is ALSO the father of her child!

Nobunaga: But that's only because I never expected Dong Si to be her true love! Look, while none of you is her true love, one of you DEFINITELY is the father!

Dong Si: Then who is he?!

Nobunaga: The father…of the child…is….

Everyone: **gets even closer to Nobunaga to hear his answer**

Nobunaga: …. **dies**

Everyone: **widens eyes** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Cao Cao: Huff…so, Zhang Liao!

Zhang Liao: Yes, sir!

Cao Cao: Have you received news from that Maury guy?

Zhang Liao: Ah, yes sir.

Cao Cao: Great. So, he can arrange for a meeting with us to disclose the issue of the father of Cai Wenji's baby, right?

Zhang Liao: Yes sir. He said he will come here in about 2 days.

Cao Cao: Two days? Ah, that's great. We can take that time to clean up the mess caused by my one hell of a shitty son Cao Pi in this place…

Cut to Cao Pi and the rest of Wei being bound and gagged inside a bunker.

Jia Xu: So, Lord Cao Cao, is it true that Maury will come here?

Cao Cao: That's right. We'd better resolve this problem quickly so that Dong Si won't continue raging and flailing around at the possibility that his wife cheated on him…

Yue Jin: Uhhh…cheating? They weren't even married yet when Cai Wenji got pregnant! So technically it's not 'cheating'…

Cao Cao: I know, but won't you be pissed off as well upon knowing that your wife has been pregnant even before marrying you?

Yue Jin: Uhh…right.

Cao Cao: Yeah. Come on, gentlemen, we have no time to waste! We have to clean up this place quickly so that it will be clean when Maury came! Go, go, go!

* * *

 _2 days later…_

The 9: Huff…

Maury: Hello everyone, and welcome back to an episode of 'The Maury Povich Show'!

Jia Xu: The fuck…they're recording this shit on TV?!

Guo Jia: Hey, it's alright! We'll become famous!

Jia Xu: But we're ALREADY famous, idiot!

Guo Jia: Well, at least we'll become celebrities! Haha!

Jia Xu: Good lord. **facepalms**

Maury: Ehem! So today, we have the case of this delicate maiden named Cai Wenji, and not one, not two, not THREE, not FOUR, not FIVE, but whopping NINE guys whom she suspects to be the father of her baby! So, Lady Cai Wenji, would you please tell us the tale of how you suddenly became pregnant and not even knowing who the father is?

Cai Wenji: Eh, ehm…I'm not really sure. I mean, I never got really intimate with ANY of the guys in Wei, so I was really shocked and confused when I found out that I'm pregnant.

Maury: Hm! Very weird, indeed. Well, this case is really similar to the one that occurred around 200 years ago, but let's not get into that. And now! For these 9 gentlemen right here! You are the men whom Cai Wenji is closest with. Would you please tell us your stories?

Cao Cao: Oh…well…I think I might actually be responsible for this, considering that I was the one who ransomed her from the Xiongnu at the first place. But beyond our mutual love for poetry, there's absolutely NOTHING between us. NOTHING.

Zhang Liao: Same as me. I suppose that's because of our days together serving Dong Zhuo, but we never got really close considering that my former lord Lu Bu executed her father.

Zhang He: Well! She truly is a beautiful, delicate flower, and we have mutual respect for fine art! But I clearly wouldn't do such thing to her! Ever!

Jia Xu: I suppose for the same reason as Zhang Liao. We were quite close during our service to Dong, so we were obviously relieved when we were finally reunited here, but there's really nothing beyond that, considering our age gap and all…

Guo Jia: Well, it's true that I like to hit on pretty ladies, but she's rejected me once before!

Xu Shu: …ehh…umm…well, she's kind and all, but…

Yue Jin: It's a misunderstanding! People once thought that we were gonna married, but that's just not true!

Yu Jin: Yeah, well…maybe it's because I employed such massive force for the sake of looking for her when she wandered off? I don't know. There's really nothing between us.

Xun Yu: We're just good friends! Nothing more!

Maury: Hmm…well, it seems that none of you is willing to admit it. Well, fortunately, I already have the DNA test results right here!

Everyone: WHA?!

Maury: Now, now, sit down, please, and listen. And the father is…

Everyone: **gets tense**

Maury: ….ALL NINE OF YOU, GENTLEMEN!

Everyone: …

 ** _"WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!"_**

Cao Cao: What the hell…LEMME SEE!

Maury: OW! Hey, that's rude!

Cao Cao: Fucking hell…what…no…NO WAY!

Jia Xu: …what the hell is this?!

Zhang Liao: The baby's DNA somehow matches ALL of our DNA?!

Yue Jin: How the fuck is that even possible?!

Yu Jin: More specifically, HOW COULD OUR DNA EVEN COME TO HER AT THE FIRST PLACE?!

Everyone: **continues arguing**

Xun Yu: …wait…your DNA…and Cai Wenji….oh no.

Everyone: Huh?! What? What is it?

Xun Yu: No…way…

Cao Cao: …Xun Yu?

Xun Yu: Err…

Cao Cao: You KNOW something, don't you?

Xun Yu: Eh, err…

Cao Cao: SPEAK!

Xun Yu: OKAY, OKAY! Errr…

* * *

 _At the day before Cai Wenji became pregnant…_

Xun Yu: Whew. Hmm…let's see if this technology I bought from Jin works. The instructions…"This brand new cutting-edge water allows you to get pregnant by simply drinking someone's DNA! Even with the females! Even better, if you combine DNAs of two persons together, the baby will be the combination of both! Essentially they can have more than one fathers!" Hmph, this is quite a magnificent technology alright, but who the fuck would want their baby to have two or more fathers? That's dumb. Unless if the mother is a whore, but what happens when the baby asks who their 'real' father is? Pfftt. Oh well, maybe I could test it on a couple of mice…but using whose DNA? Hmm…

 _Several hours later…_

Xun Yu: Whew! I managed to obtain the urines of Lord Cao Cao, Zhang Liao, Zhang He, Jia Xu, Guo Jia, Xu Shu, Yue Jin, Yu Jin, and myself to obtain their sample DNAs…now let's see...oh, shit! I gotta take a piss. Hrmf, but what will happen if I leave this alone? If someone drinks that…ah, it's alright. They know that they're not allowed to mess with my workshop. **runs to take a piss**

 _Later…_

Guo Jia: OY! Xun Yu! Where are you? Hello, science guy! Hm? Is this one of Xun Yu's experiments again? But they smell so…hff… **…** ooh. **grins widely, then mixes the DNA-water together before running away**

 _Later…_

Cai Wenji: Hello! Master Guo Jia! Lord Cao Cao is looking for you! Hello! Huff, I clearly saw him running towards here…whew…oh, there's a bottle of water here! **drinks the DNA-water**

 _Back to the present…_

Everyone: **glares at both Xun Yu and Guo Jia**

Xun Yu: Eh, emmm…hey, it's his fault! **points at Guo Jia**

Guo Jia: The hell! It's clearly yours for concocting the stupid experiment at the first place!

Xun Yu: But you were the one who messed it up-

Everyone: Grrr….

Xun Yu and Guo Jia: …..gulp.

 ** _"….WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_**

 _After the brutal beatdown laid onto Xun Yu and Guo Jia, the rest of the nine then agreed to hold Guo Jia responsible and made him support Cai Wenji and her baby, despite all nine of them technically being the baby's father._

* * *

 _Around 9 months later…_

"OWAAAAAA!"

Guo Jia: Hm? OH! THE BABY'S ARRIVED! OYY! YOU GUYS!

The rest of the nine: OH!

Guo Jia: Look! *our* son!

Everyone: Yeah! Ehhhh….whoa?

Cao Cao: What the hell?

Jia Xu: …dude, is this a baby, or some sort of a deformed demonic fetus?

Yue Jin: Look at this! The baby's face is practically a mish-mashed mess of our own facial features!

Zhang Liao: This is somehow even worse than the Empires baby mechanisms…

Cao Cao: Good lord…now after the people start thinking that you're the 'real' father of Cai Wenji's son, what are you gonna say when they find out that he has our facial features, huh?

Guo Jia: Hey, he has my features too, you know!

Dong Si: **pats Guo Jia in the back**

Guo Jia: AH! D-d-dong Si!

Dong Si: Well, this better be a lesson for you slippery youth. Don't mess other people's work.

Guo Jia: Erh…okay…

Everyone: **laughs**

Guo Jia: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

 _ **THE END**_

* * *

WHEW! Man, it's finally complete! Thank you so much for everyone who's read this fic from the beginning to the end! Good day!


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